Monday, November 21, 2016

Review of "I Suck at Girls" by Justin Halpern




Justin Halpern's book 'Sh*t My Dad Says' is very funny, so when this memoir was recommended on Goodreads I decided to listen to the audio version. Halpern's anecdotes about incidents in his life - ranging from childhood through early adulthood - are very entertaining. Justin's dad again contributes some priceless bon mots, but most of the yarns focus on the author himself.

I'll give some examples of stories in the book.

Nine-year-old Justin, hearing about sex from a friend, gets worried about his wedding night. Eager to consult his mom about this troubling issue, Justin picks the lock on his parents' closed bedroom door..... and what do you think he sees? Good opportunity for Justin's dad to teach him the word 'ironic.'

Young Justin and his Little League teammate find a stash of porn near the ball field and plan to steal it. Their codeword, in case the coach is spotted, is 'my dog peed in the house.' Of course the coach comes right over and Justin - wanting to warn his porn-hiding friend - hysterically yells 'my dog peed in the house.....my dog peed in house.' The coach must have thought Justin was nuts.

After high school Justin goes on a jaunt to Europe with his friend Ryan, hoping to meet girls and have sex. In a Florence hostel, Justin and Ryan pal up with a young Asian man, 'Vietnam Joe.' Joe's English vocabulary is very limited. Food is either 'large delicious', 'delicious', or 'not delicious'; temperatures are either 'large hot' or 'not hot.' Joe's one complete sentence is 'Second-year guard Ray Allen has a silky smooth NBA ready game'.....cribbed from a basketball card. Still, Joe is the first of the group to meet a girl and go off with her. (Maybe she was a basketball fan. LOL)

Eventually, Justin and Ryan arrive at the 'party island' of Ibiza. The boys ask a party promoter about 'the hottest party in Ibiza'.....and are told they can't handle it. The boys are also warned off 'the second hottest party' on the island. Frustrated, Ryan finally says 'Just tell us about a party that's appropriately hot for us!' This made me laugh.

Overdoing the partying in Ibiza, Justin gets a terrible stomach ache and has to go to an emergency room in Spain. The doctor, not fluent in English, points to two dark spots on Justin's x-ray and says "Your stomach is very mad. It do not work." The doctor then says a few words to the nurse who adds "Too much poo poo and fart." Ryan thinks this is the most awesome diagnosis he ever heard.....and I have to agree. (Justin got meds for the constipation and gas, and all was well.)

In other anecdotes Justin talks about working at Hooters Restaurant, losing his virginity, dating a hot girl that's out of his league, and - by the end of the book - proposing to his girlfriend.

The book is all good fun, recommended to readers who like humorous memoirs.

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