In this 38th book in the series, Spenser investigates the murder of an art expert. The mystery can be read as a standalone.
*****
When a painting called 'Lady With a Finch' by 17th century Dutch artist Franz Hermenszoon is stolen from Boston's Hammond Museum, the thieves offer to return it for a ransom.
The museum asks art professor Ashton Prince, PhD - a renowned expert on Renaissance low-country art - to make the exchange. Prince is wary of dealing with the crooks, so he hires private investigator/bodyguard Spencer to protect him.
Spenser accompanies Prince to the exchange, and as the professor is returning to the car after the swap, the rolled canvas in his hand explodes - killing Prince and (presumably) destroying the artwork.
Spencer is chagrined at his failure to safeguard the art expert, and is determined to find the miscreants who killed him.
Spenser starts his inquiries by speaking to the director of the Hammond Museum and the investigator at the museum's insurance company - both of whom seem reluctant to talk to him. Meanwhile, the police are looking for the bombers and Spencer cooperates with Captain Quirk and Sergeant Belson from the Boston Police Department and Captain Healy from the Massachusetts State Police.
Spencer also asks his friend - sexy, well-connected attorney Rita Fiore - to wheedle information out of the museum's attorney.
Spenser learns that Prince was a married skirt-chaser who harbored secrets about his past, and that Nazi art thefts during World War II may be related to the Hammond Museum burglary. The Nazi angle is especially troubling because killers with replicas of concentration camp tattoos make numerous attempts on Spencer's life.
Moreover, Hawk - who normally watches Spenser's back- is out of the country.
During Spenser's downtime, he hangs out with his girlfriend Susan Silverman and their dog Pearl. Spenser and Susan spend a lot of time chatting, flirting, dining, and warming the sheets - and readers irritated by their excessive banter will roll their eyes. 🙄
Less annoyingly, Pearl romps with her canine boyfriend Otto - whom she met in the dog park. 🐶💕
As always, Spencer's conversations are laced with witty repartee and clever barbed comments, which has always been a fun aspect of the series. 😊
I enjoyed the novel's engaging plot and diverse characters, and recommend the book to mystery readers, especially Spenser fans.
'Painted Ladies' is Parker's penultimate Spenser novel, written a year before his death in 2010. The series has continued, however, with other authors.
Rating: 3 stars
Four college graduates - Pender, Marie, Sawyer, and Mouse - are unable to secure good-paying jobs and form a kidnapping ring.
Their plan is to pull off a slew of abductions, pile up a lot of ransom money, and retire to the Maldives. For each job the kidnappers choose a wealthy family man, ask for $60,000 (an amount they consider easily affordable), and make dire threats about consequences if the victims inform the cops.
As the book opens, the plan has been working perfectly. The gang has staged jobs across the country and no one has squealed to the police. Then the criminals make a bad mistake. They abduct a Detroit man named Donald Beneteau, whose wife is connected to the mob.
The caper goes badly wrong - Beneteau is killed and Mouse is shot.
The outlaws go on the run, chased by mobsters and law enforcement officials. The police task force is led by Minnesota BCA investigator Kirk Stevens and FBI Agent Carla Windermere, who meet for the first time in this book.
The kidnappers are closely pursued by the mafia and police, but they're pretty lucky.....for a while. The perps outmaneuver their pursuers and leave the bodies of several mobsters behind. Mouse, however, is badly wounded and starts to go downhill.
There's plenty of excitement in the story, with a chase that extends from the Midwest to Florida and back again. Laukkanen also does a good job with the characters, who are well-drawn - though not always sympathetic (or quite believable).
For example, Stevens and Windermere are having so much 'fun' chasing these perps that they're sorry the investigation will eventually end. Really?? Do cops really think like that??
Also, there's an attraction between Stevens - a happily married man with kids, and Windermere - who has a boyfriend. Fair enough, it happens. But Windermere seems to encourage the flirtation, which put me off.
For their part, the kidnappers (at first) think of themselves as "professionals" - basically decent people who do little harm. They completely ignore the trauma inflicted on the kidnap families.
The story is an engaging thriller, but some plot points strain credulity.
SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT
[ Some of the gang's 'getaways' seem impossible. The mobsters - who are savvy criminals - would have to be REALLY DIM to be bested by some of the gang's tactics. This is especially true in the scene where the mafia arranges to exchange a girl hostage for the gang members.
The perps happen to meet a girl on the beach - a beautiful Princeton coed from a billionaire family - who decides to throw in with them and go on the run. Since there's a very real possibility they'll all be caught or killed, this simply doesn't ring true.
The gang totes a badly wounded Mouse around for days and days without visiting a doctor or hospital....essentially killing him. I was appalled by this. (hide spoiler)]
END SPOILER ALERT END SPOILER ALERT
Though there are some flaws, this is a good beginning to the Stevens-Windermere series. Recommended to fans of thrillers.
Rating: 3 stars
Dave Barry is an American writer and journalist who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005 and has written numerous books of humor and satire. Barry's levity can be a bit silly and - in his own words - he's not known for being the voice of maturity, but this is a funny book.
Dave Barry
Many of Barry's anecdotes riff on his life, and the book's opening provides a taste of what's to come. In the Introduction, Barry writes (in part):
"In the past few years I watched my son get married; watched my daughter play many soccer matches and perform in ballet recitals longer than the Spanish-American War; got a dog named Lucy; rode in a fire truck with Clarabelle the famous Walt Disney Cow; had some medical adventures involving direct medical assaults on some of my most personal regions; took up spinning; and spent the equivalent of the gross national product of Uruguay on veterinarian fees in an effort to repair a persistent injury to Lucy's tail caused by the fact that she wags too hard.
I hope you enjoy this book, and if you come away from reading it with just one message, let it be this: If a veterinarian suggests you can somehow keep your dog from wagging it's tail, that veterinarian is smoking crack."
*****
Some examples of Barry's humor follow.
- "Every single human cell contains DNA, which is a special molecule that your body leaves behind at crime scenes so the police can identify you. Your DNA wants to put its imprint on the entire human race, like the Nike Corporation - so the only thing your DNA thinks about is reproducing itself. This explains why men are shallow sex-obsessed horndogs." 😏
- "WHY DON’T MEN LISTEN TO WOMEN? They do listen. But they listen for specific information. Men are problem-solvers. They are doers. When you talk to them, they are listening to determine (a) what the problem is, and what they need to do about it, so that they can resume watching ESPN. When they have the information they need, they stop listening."
- "When a man purchases a necessary appliance such as a TV with a flat screen the size of a squash court, he cannot afford to fritter away valuable minutes reading the owner's manual. A man does not need instructions written by and for idiots. A man already knows that the way to handle an appliance is to plug all the plugs into the holes that look to be about the right size or color, then turn everything on and see what happens." (Dave's hi-def flat screen wasn't 'hi-def' for a year, until his wife set it up correctly.😃)
- “In the old pre-technology days, it would have been almost impossible to replicate Facebook or Twitter. The closest you could get would be to mail dozens of postcards a day to everybody you know, each with a brief message about yourself like: "Finally got that haircut I've been putting off." Or: "Just had a caramel Frappuccino. Yum!" The people receiving these postcards would have naturally assumed you were a moron with a narcissism disorder. But today, thanks to Facebook and Twitter, you are seen as a person engaging in 'social networking'.”
- "Here’s a simple and fun experiment: Select, at random, a man who has one or more daughters. Place a gun to this man’s head and tell him he must do one of two things: 1. Have his prostate examined by a scorpion. 2. Attend a dance recital. He’s going scorpion. Yes, he knows it will be unpleasant. But he also knows that eventually it will end. This is not necessarily true of the dance recital."
- Dave makes a lot of jokes about his home city of Miami, Florida. Here are a few:
“Some years ago I proposed a new tourism-promotion slogan for Miami. I even had a bumper sticker made. It said: 'Come back to Miami! We Weren't Shooting at YOU'.”
“The truth is that only a small percentage of Miami's population consists of violent criminals, and the bulk of those are elected officials. The rest of us Miamians are regular people, just like the people in your town: We work hard, try to raise our kids right, and are always ready to help out our neighbors by laying down covering fire when they go outside to get their newspapers.”
“[In Miami] we have a growing population of unwelcome out-of-town wildlife species that have come here and clearly intend to stay. Two invasive species in particular have caused serious concern: Burmese pythons, and New Yorkers. The New Yorkers have been coming here for years, which is weird because pretty much all they do once they get to Florida is bitch about how everything here sucks compared to the earthly paradise that is New York. They continue to root, loudly, for the Jets, the Knicks, the Mets, and the Yankees; they never stop declaring, loudly, that in New York the restaurants are better, the stores are nicer, the people are smarter, the public transportation is free of sharks, etc. The Burmese pythons are less obnoxious, but just as alarming in their own way.”
And here's a true story about Miami: "A German tourist detected a bad smell in his hotel room, and reported it to hotel staff, who found a human corpse under the bed. Germans are finicky about cleanliness, and draw the line at decayed corpses."💀
- After Barry got a vasectomy, he needed to buy a jock strap (to control dangling) and a package of frozen peas (to control swelling). Shopping for peas was tricky because the supermarket had a large collection and Barry went with 'Bird's Eye Spring Garden Peas'. Barry notes: "There is absolutely no reason to be afraid of a vasectomy, except that: THEY CUT A HOLE IN YOUR SCROTUM." Vasectomy can be done with a local anesthetic but Dave admits: I’m a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, including routine physicals. I’d like to be knocked out while I was still in the doctor’s waiting room and not regain consciousness until everything is over, ideally in my car, with no memory whatsoever of what happened. But the point is that you definitely want anesthesia for your vasectomy. Tell your doctor you want the Full Coward Package. Tell him you don’t necessarily want to wake up during the same month as your procedure."
- In a shot at the American healthcare system, Barry tells a story about Mary. This is a VERY abbreviated version of the tale:
Mary sees a television commercial for Endor, which suggests you ask your doctor about the medication. Mary wants to ask her physician about Endor, but can't get an appointment for three months. When Mary finally sees her doctor, he can only spare her 9.6 seconds because he has to see over 300 patients that hour. So - as her physician is leaving the examination room - Mary calls out, "Do I need Endor?" The doctor thinks she said, "I wonder if my feet are tender." So the physician - wary of a malpractice lawsuit - orders X-rays and a complete medical work-up - which leads to more and more tests and procedures. Mary eventually ends up broke, unemployed, and uninsured with unpaid medical bills in excess of $500,000.
Barry writes: “The point is, our health-care system is a terrible mess. It's expensive, wasteful, inefficient, unresponsive, and infested with lawyers. Which is why there has been a big push, in some quarters, to place it under the management of the federal government. This is like saying that if your local police department has a corruption problem, the solution is to turn law enforcement over to the Sopranos.”
- Two of the most hilarious sections of the book are extended parodies of popular media.
The first sendup is a satirical script for the television show "24", which aired (in various forms) from 2001 to 2014. "24 stars Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer, the angst-ridden lone-wolf federal agent who protects America from terrorism by sooner or later causing the violent death of pretty much everybody he meets." As Barry's script opens, the President of the U.S. is a kangaroo, the terrorists have stolen a proton defrackulator, and Jack Bauer has been decapitated and fed to boars. Luckily, doctors are able to sew Jack back together, and he goes on to cause havoc and save the country. Very entertaining!
The second spoof is "Fangs of Endearment: A Vampire Novel - which is a take-off on the Twilight series. The main character is a clutzy girl who goes to Creepstone High School with her boyfriend Phil - an EXCEPTIONALLY HANDSOME vampire.....so good-looking that she can't stop commenting on it. All the boys in the story are in love with the main character including Stuart - a werewolf; Sven - who can transform into a Zamboni machine; the Jonas brothers; and Zac Ephron. The vampires and werewolves hate each other, but work together to save the girl from a vengeful female vampire.....and so on. Very funny!
These examples are just a taste of the humorous reminiscences and observations in the book. Highly recommended to readers who want a laugh.
Rating: 4 stars
In this 5th book in the 'Mickey Haller' series, the attorney defends a pimp. The book can be read as a standalone.
Attorney Mickey Hallerm - aka The Lincoln Lawyer - has problems.
He regularly represents (and gets off) criminal lowlifes and a released drunken driver killed a classmate of Mickey's 16-year-old daughter, who no longer wants anything to do with him.
Lacking good cases Mickey is also low on cash and drinking too much. Things start to look up when Andre La Cosse, a 'cyberpimp' who runs websites for prostitutes, is accused of murdering a client, Giselle Dallinger.
Turns out Giselle is really Gloria Dayton, a woman Mickey represented on a drug charge eight years before. At the time Mickey got Gloria off by arranging for her to give up a member of a Mexican drug cartel who's now serving a life sentence.
The Mexican criminal claims a gun was planted in his apartment at the time and is appealing his sentence. As Mickey prepares to defend the cyberpimp his investigations reveal that Gloria may well have helped set up the cartel member at the behest of a DEA agent. Moreover, Mickey comes to believe Gloria's death may be related to this involvement with the DEA.
Pursuing this line of inquiry Mickey is soon harassed, threatened, and attacked.
Eventually the La Cosse murder case gets to court and Connelly presents a lot of detailed courtroom activity including legal motions, questioning and cross-examination of witnesses, interactions with the judge, and so on.
This is interesting but does seem to go on and on at times. When Mickey (the first person narrator of the story) says at one point that 'the jury seems to be getting bored' I empathized with the sentiment.
All in all this was a compelling mystery, well-written with interesting characters and a satisfying conclusion. Good book.
Rating: 4 stars
Lucy Nelson had a difficult childhood.
Along with her timid, submissive mother and her alcoholic, n’er do well father.....
.....Lucy lived with her mom’s parents. To make things worse, grandpa enabled the dad's bad behavior, continually urging the family to give the wife-hitting hubby "second chances." Finally, fed up and angry, Lucy had her father arrested and then - some time later - locked him out of the house and sent him on his way.
Through it all Lucy dreamed of going to college and making something of herself, working after school to help make it happen. Things seemed to be going okay when teen Lucy developed a crush on her friend’s cousin Roy.
Roy was a little older, an army veteran with ambitions to be a photographer. Unfortunately for all concerned Roy succumbed to his baser nature and repeatedly urged Lucy to “trust him.” Before long Lucy was pregnant and reluctantly married to Roy.
Lucy, having her own ambitions thwarted, seemed determined to ruin Roy’s life as well. Their poisonous union makes up the bulk of the story.
Other characters, including Lucy’s family, Roy’s extended family, Lucy’s friends, and Lucy’s one-time priest, try to influence the situation at one time or another, generally making things worse.
The book isn’t fun to read. In the beginning I felt sorry for Lucy, seeing her as the unhappy victim of a raw deal. However Lucy became a completely unpleasant, unlikable character. And Roy - though he "made his own bed" and got a bit of what he deserved - was generally a spineless wimp, incapable of standing up to his demanding, controlling wife
….until he did.
This led to major drama.
Though it’s interesting to read about these psychologically warped characters I can’t highly recommend the book. Philip Roth’s later work is better.
Rating: 3 stars
Tiffany Haddish
Tiffany Haddish is an American comedian and actress. She's a stand-up comic, was on the television shows 'If Loving You is Wrong' and 'The Carmichael Show', and was featured in the film 'Keanu.' Haddish's breakout film was 'Girls Trip' (very funny) and she was named one of Time's 100 most influential people for 2018.
*****
Tiffany Haddish overcame a good deal to become the successful woman she is today. Though some of Haddish's stories are dispiriting, she relates them all with a sense of humor, and it's clear that she's an optimist at heart.
Tiffany's father left when she was small and the man she calls 'the stepfather' was a philanderer 'who sucked', but her mother was devoted to him. Tiffany was convinced her mom preferred her younger half-siblings because she loved their father.....and hated hers. Things got even worse when Tiffany was eight, and her mother was in a car accident that left her brain damaged. The injured woman was hospitalized for months, and had to learn to walk, talk, and eat again.
When Tiffany's mother finally came home from the hospital she was 'crazy.' Mom would punch and hit Tiffany relentlessly and say things like "You look like your ugly-ass daddy. I hate him. You're ugly and stupid. I hate you." After that Tiffany's mother was frequently in and out of mental institutions.
What makes this tale even worse is that, when the stepfather took Tiffany out for her 21st birthday, he told her a shocking story. They were both tipsy, and Tiffany mentioned that she'd been feeling sick and depressed (more about this below). The stepfather told her "You're fine. You're gonna make it. God has a purpose for you because you're supposed to be dead along with your brothers and sisters." The stepfather went on to explain that Tiffany and her siblings (his children) were intended to be in the car on the night of his wife's accident. He had taken out insurance policies on all of them, then cut the brakes.
Tiffany didn't know whether she was supposed to believe him or if it was some kind of shock therapy, but she tried to get proof....without success.
*****
Tiffany entered the foster care system at 13, and at 14 was taken in by her grandmother, who stayed with foster care for financial reasons. While young Tiffany was in foster homes, she was beat up by bigger girls and molested by an old man who 'sucked her titties to make them grow.' Tiffany was so naïve that she didn't even realize this was wrong until years later!
When Tiffany aged out of foster care at 18 her grandmother could no longer afford to keep her, and put her out.
*****
During Tiffany's stay with grandma, she was in high school, which was - on the whole - a positive experience. One problem, though, was that Tiffany couldn't read until the 9th grade. Tiffany managed to fake it by getting people to read to her and using other ruses, but was finally exposed by her drama teacher. Tiffany took drama class to be near her crush, Audie, whom she doggedly pursued.
By the end of 9th grade, the drama teacher had figured out Tiffany's hustle and gave her a script to read - a role opposite Audie.
- Tiffany: "Let me take the script home and work on it. I'll do it tomorrow."
- Teacher: "No."
- Tiffany: "I don't feel well."
- Teacher: "You felt fine just a few minutes ago."
- Tiffany (wheedling): "Teacher.....you have such pretty hair."
- Teacher: "Tiffany, can you read?"
With the instructor's help, Tiffany learned to read and "felt like she had a superpower." Tiffany finally realized she was actually smart!
*****
Tiffany lived in the Los Angeles area and was bussed to El Camino Real High School, which was mostly white and Asian. Tiffany was well-liked at school because she was "poor as f**k chic." Tiffany - who was a good talker, had great style, and was funny - stood out.
She became the mascot for the football team and her routine was "dope" - running up and down the field with a megaphone; passing out candy; dancing with people in the stands; etc.
Tiffany caught the eye of an 18-year-old entrepreneur named Tim ('DJ Timbo'), who emceed Bar Mitzvahs. DJ Timbo hired Tiffany to work at his events, and she made $40 a party....getting people on their feet; dancing with the guests; performing her football field routines; doing the wave; and so on. After a couple of years Tiffany became one of the emcees and made $200 to $300 per event. Spicing up Bar Mitzvahs was Tiffany's 'weekend work' for ten years.
Tiffany started doing stand-up comedy at 15, and - during one summer break - went to "Laugh Factory Comedy Camp." At camp Tiffany met the biggest influence in her life, Richard Pryor. Pryor told Tiffany she needed to have fun for the audience to have fun, and this advice affected Tiffany's performances and her life.
Richard Pryor
*****
After Tiffany left her grandmother's house at 18, she quit comedy (temporarily) to get a job and provide for herself. Tiffany worked at the airport, manning a ticket counter, and dated a couple of baggage handlers.....neither of whom worked out. Over the years Tiffany met a lot of 'wrong men', and her stories about them are simultaneously funny and sad. I'll give a brief example.
Titus
At 21, Tiffany was dating Titus, a baggage handler who wanted to be a pimp. Titus lost his job, started disappearing for days, and was exposed as a cheater by his 8-year-old sister - but Tiffany refused to believe anything bad about him. Then Tiffany found a sex tape that PROVED Titus was seeing a stripper named Bertha....and pimping her out. Angry and hurt, Tiffany broke up with the liar.
Titus got his mama, grandma, and aunties to call Tiffany, saying she was destroying him.....and trying to make her feel like it was all her fault. Tiffany was convinced they ALL knew what Titus was doing, so she had a movie bootlegger splice Titus's sex tape into 15 copies of 'Charlie's Angels', and sent them to Titus's relatives for Christmas. She also pooped in his shoes.
On Christmas day, the shit hit the fan. Titus's mother and grandmother called Tiffany in a fury: "What is wrong with you. Everyone saw that....kids, grandkids, the whole family. Titus f**king Bertha." To add insult to injury, Tiffany then 'stole' Bertha from Titus and became the woman's pimp (agent) for porn movies....which was quite profitable for both of them.
After the Titus-Bertha hubbub, Tiffany became depressed - with frequent bouts of crying, stomach pain, and torrential menstrual bleeding. Tiffany went to a therapist, who helped her realize that she missed doing comedy. So Tiffany started doing open mikes.....improved over time.....and became very popular. Tiffany's illness receded, she began to score paid gigs, and she never looked back.
When Tiffany was back in show business, she married a man (twice) that she refers to as 'the ex-husband.' The ex-husband was jealous, possessive, and abusive, but Tiffany thought he loved her and wanted to take care of her. This cautionary tale is related in detail in the book.
Tiffany Haddish and her ex-husband
*****
Tiffany became very successful, but it was a long hard road, dotted with lecherous men who tried to take advantage of her. For instance, Tiffany wanted to open for a comic she calls 'Rumpelstiltskin', but he said she'd have to "open her legs for him".....which was a no go. After Tiffany got a TV show and a movie, Rumpelstiltskin's manager called to ask her if she'd open for him and she said "F**k that."
Another comic, after being turned down for sex, told people Tiffany had f**ked him in his car. She called the comic out in public - yelling and screaming - and forbid him to ever say her name again.....OR ELSE. (You gotta admire the girl!)
This kind of thing happened again and again, until Tiffany became a headliner and earned their respect. Now, Rumpelstiltskin has apologized and - once again - asked Tiffany to work with him. Tiffany responded: "I used to get a dollar a minute, now I get a thousand dollars a minute." They're negotiating a possible deal. Tiffany feels blessed for her success, and would like to see other female comics succeed. Her word of advice:"Keep your legs closed and earn your comedy stripes on your feet."
Tiffany has lots more engaging tales in the book, including: her short stint with Scientology; an attempt to take her mother shopping at Target; a brief reunion with her biological father; her status as a 'Princess' in Eritrea; a New Orleans swamp tour with Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith; and many more. I'd highly recommend the book to fans of celebrity memoirs....and to anyone else who likes a good story.
Rating: 4 stars
