Review of "Up On The Woof Top: A Chet and Bernie Mystery" by Spencer Quinn

In this 14th book in the 'Chet and Bernie' series, the detective team investigates the disappearance of a reindeer.

In the Chet and Bernie stories, Bernie Little and his hundred-plus pound dog Chet run the Little Detective Agency in a region of Arizona called The Valley.



The books are narrated by Chet, whose somewhat limited vocabulary, unfamiliarity with idioms, doggie logic, craving for treats, tendency to get distracted, and affection for Bernie (whom Chet considers the smartest, strongest, toughest, best-looking fellow around), set the stage for plenty of smiles.



Bernie is a West Point graduate, military veteran, former police lieutenant, and talented private detective. Chet is Bernie's invaluable partner, always ready to clamp his jaw on perps and drag them off by the pants.

*****

As the story opens, it's Christmas season, and Chet and Bernie accompany their elderly neighbor to a bookstore, where suspense novelist Dame Ariadne Carlisle is promoting her new Christmas mystery 'Bad or Good.' This is book #99 in Dame Ariadne's 'Trudi Tremaine' series and the writer is said to be working on book #100.



During Dame Ariadne's book signing, Chet rescues her gold pen from the jaws of his doggie pal Iggy, which is much appreciated by the author. Afterward, Bernie and Chet are hired to find Dame Ariadne's missing reindeer Rudy, who disappeared from her Colorado estate, called Kringle Ranch. Rudy is Dame Ariadne's muse, and his absence is causing writer's block, and stalling book #100.



The Little Detective Agency is always in financial straits due to two bad business ventures. Bernie - who's very fond of Hawaiian shirts - invested in Hawaiian pants, which now sit in a storage facility .....not one pair sold. Afterwards, Bernie bought into a tin mine, which immediately went belly up.



Finding Rudy the reindeer would net Bernie and Chet more than $50,000. So they take the case, and drive to Colorado in their latest used Porsche, called the Beast.



Shortly after Bernie and Chet arrive at Kringle Ranch, they make a startling discovery. The detectives find Dame Ariadne's personal assistant, Chaz LeWitte - badly injured and unconscious - at the bottom of a gorge called Devil's Purse. Chaz is taken to the hospital, where he's in a coma, and the prognosis isn't good.



Chaz's fall is called an accident, but it 'smells off' to Bernie, who determines that Chaz was pushed. Moreover, this occurrence seems to mirror a decades old tragedy in which Dame Ariadne's boyfriend (at the time), Teddy, was found dead at the bottom of Devil's Purse. The case was never solved and remains on the books.

The Little Detective Agency's job now becomes a twofer: to find Rudy and to discover who targeted Teddy and Chaz. The local sheriff doesn't appreciate Bernie and Chet's interfering on his territory, and makes noises about Bernie not having a Colorado PI license, but the detective partners - backed by Dame Ariadne - carry on.



There's plenty of skullduggery and danger in the novel, and Bernie and Chet demonstrate previously unknown skills, like navigating a double black diamond ski run, which has vertical drops, narrow passages between rocks and trees, and winding paths with sharp turns.



Chet also demonstrates his support dog skills when he bonds with with a non-verbal, disabled child. This convinces the child's mother, a deputy sheriff, to help Bernie and Chet with their investigation.

The book's climax is heart-stopping and dramatic, though the Porsche comes through okay (which doesn't always happen.)

All the Bernie and Chet books contain a lot of humor, but this one is especially fun, with Chet at the top of his game. Here are some examples of Chet's humorous narration:

😄 Someone mentions pissing away money, and Chet observes: "Pissing away money? I'd seen quite a bit of pissing in my career, often in surprising places by surprising people - and let's not forget other creatures, including horses, an elephant name of Peanut, creator of yellow lakes, and once a bear....All that by way of making it clear that I'd never seen anyone piss money, or even piss on money. So something to look forward to."



😄 A man named Hal, who has a generous schnoz, says to Bernie, "You're kind of a nosy bastard down deep, huh?, and Chet notes: "Whoa! Hal said that? Nosy bastard? With a nose like his? Where did he get off? Look, as humans say, who's talking."



😄 Bernie mentions that Chet was running away from a bear, and Chet comments: "What a strange suggestion. I run from nobody, end of story. Although, thinking back, I did once run from a bear, specifically a mama bear on a mountain trail where we'd come between her and her cubs. The look on her face! That was something I'll never forget, and also unforgettable was the way Bernie had run, too. In fact, poor wounded leg or no, he'd blown right by me, maybe the most amazing sight I'd ever seen."



All in all, an entertaining light mystery. Highly recommended, especially to Bernie and Chet fans.

Rating: 4 stars

Review of "Baggage: Tales From a Fully Packed Life" by Alan Cumming

 

Alan Cumming

Alan Cumming (b. 1965) is a Scottish actor who's dabbled in every show business genre during his long and successful career. Cumming has worked in movies, theatre, and television; narrated audiobooks; hosted reality competitions; launched a podcast; and more. Along the way Alan won a BAFTA Award, an Emmy Award, two Tony Awards, and an Olivier Award. Cumming had to move past a horrible childhood to achieve success, and he describes his early life in the memoir, 'Not My Father's Son' (2015).


Alan Cumming hosting the reality game show 'The Traitors'

Cumming begins this memoir by speculating about memory. He writes, "It makes sense that what we have experienced in the past, and how we have analyzed and grown from it enables, or at least helps us, to have better judgment. Right?" Apparently not always, because Cumming goes on to say, "I know I have, on several occasions throughout my life, repeated the exact same patterns of behavior that made me unhappy to the point of despair.


Alan Cumming

Alan has had ups and downs over the years, and he notes, "In the chapters that follow I will share with you the shape my life has taken as I've learned to live with my baggage. This is a book about my career, my struggles with mental health, my many forays into love and sexuality and everything in between."

Cumming starts his story in 1994, when he's twenty-nine, starring in several theatre productions in Scotland, and married to Scottish actress Hilary Lyon.


Alan Cumming and Hilary Lyon

For some time, Cumming had been 'desperate, empty, anorexic, depressed, exhausted, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown', and he needed a change. Cumming was saved by a call from Hollywood, which offered new opportunities, such as being the voice of the horse in 'Black Beauty' (1994).


Movie poster for 'Black Beauty' (1994)

Soon afterward, Cumming got divorced, came out as bisexual, and subsequently lived as an openly gay man....sometimes a rather louche one.


Young Alan Cumming

During a career lull in 1997, Cumming describes his activities as follows: " I slept late, met friends for lunches and drinks and dinners, kissed strangers, stayed out late, fell in love, went on vacations, had massages and acupuncture, saw my family, got stoned....went to parties, tried things once, saw concerts and plays and films, read books, played games, took pills, kissed more strangers....lay in the bath for very long periods of time....took spontaneous trips, danced and danced and danced and had lots of sex." Alan was an amiable fellow, and many people he met, including former lovers, became lifelong friends.


Alan Cumming starred with Mira Sorvino (top) and Lisa Kudrow in the movie 'Romy and Michele's High School Reunion' (1997)

Cumming's biggest break was probably the role of the Emcee in the Broadway musical 'Cabaret' - about a dingy, lewd nightclub in Berlin during the Nazi era. Alan describes the show in detail, and notes, "I had to be poured into my costume and have the pale body makeup applied along with the requisite bruises, track marks, and red glitter to my nipples."




Alan Cumming as the Emcee in the Broadway show 'Cabaret'

Once Cumming's career went into high gear, he flitted between Scotland, Los Angeles, New York, London, Berlin, Rome, Australia, Vancouver, and more. Cumming writes a good bit about his movies, television shows, and plays, and mentions many people he met or worked with, such as Judi Dench, Oliver Reed, Toni Colette, Stanley Kubrick, Monica Lewinsky, Kenneth Branagh, Liza Minelli, Joel Grey, Walter Cronkite, and a cornucopia of others. As a reality check, Cumming admits that promotional junkets, which appear exciting and glamorous from the outside, are profoundly dull experiences with interviews that "tend to be inherently superficial and banal in tone and worse, utterly repetitive."


Alan Cumming with the chimp Tonka in the movie 'Buddy' (1997)


Alan Cumming in the movie 'Josie and the Pussycats' (2001)


Alan Cumming and Robert Patrick in the movie 'Spy Kids' (2001)


Scotsman Cumming is amusing about his impressions of Los Angeles, 'where everyone works in the same industry.' He observes, "It is more than just a cliché that every Uber driver in LA has written a screenplay....or that every bartender is a budding actor." Cumming relates an anecdote about a waiter learning Alan's lunch companion is a director, and the waiter responding, "You're a director? That's amazing! Our busboy is a director."



Cumming is honest about his use of ecstasy, saying "I used it to rebuff stress....Ecstasy was my self-prescribed anti-anxiety medication. And it worked." Alan also confesses to thoughtless sexual dalliances, some of which ended very badly. For instance, Alan met a beautiful man, whom he calls Adonis, in a Manhattan club, and it was love at first sight. Alan goes on describe the car crash of the next few months with Adonis as follows: "It was like I was the victim of a chemical weapons attack....I was powerless, completely intoxicated, and without any filter or ability to see how insane my behavior, and indeed this relationship, was....For example, after two weeks we had each other's names tattooed on our bodies. Just above the groin." After four months there was a hideous and messy breakup, followed by a broken heart and a painful tattoo removal.

Cumming doesn't use the book to settle scores, but he does have telling stories about a couple of people. For example, after 9/11 Alan wanted to get out of New York, and he and his boyfriend visited Gore Vidal at the writer's villa in Italy. That evening, Gore was drunk, behaved like an insulting braggart, and had a big fight with his partner Howard. When Alan and his boyfriend crept downstairs the next morning, a hungover Gore asked, "Wasn't that a fantastic evening?"


Writer Gore Vidal

Cumming has a more serious story about Bryan Singer, director of 'X2: X-Men United' (2003), in which Cumming plays Nightcrawler.


Alan Cumming as Nightcrawler in 'X2: X-Men United' (2003)


Movie poster for 'X2: X-Men United' (2003)

Bryan Singer was using painkillers during the filming, and he showed corresponding behavior like mood swings, tantrums, paranoia, and poor treatment of the actors. Alan observes, "I would have been in the makeup trailer for up to five hours being transformed into a blue, teleporting mutant, only to be told I would not be shooting that day after all. Bryan had changed his mind."


Director Bryan Singer

In another incident during the X2 filming, Alan was in a harness hanging from wires in a corner of an Oval Office set, assuming that any minute they would go for a take. But Bryan wasn't on set, and wouldn't come out of his trailer. Bryan's ongoing bad behavior led to the cast - including Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, James Marsden, and Famke Janssen - confronting Bryan and informing the studio. A huge hubbub among lawyers, agents, managers, producers, publicists, and the studio followed, but "ultimately the message that came down to cast and crew on the ground was just to keep our heads down and muddle through." Bryan went on to direct two more X-Men films. (Alan doesn't mention this, but Bryan Singer's career later foundered when he was accused of sexually assaulting minors.)


Cast of X2: X-Men United (2003)


Alan Cumming and Margo Martindale in the television series 'The Good Wife'

Cumming intersperses tales about his adult life and career with flashbacks to his early years, such as his job as a 16-year-old journalist; his studies at the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama; and his initial forays into the entertainment business.


The Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama

Alan has a good sense of humor, and his story is infused with fun anecdotes, like his desperate hope for pubic hair, and the eruption of his first pube....which promptly fell out. Alan also writes about his supportive and loving mother, and the time he and his brother went to Scotland to confront their abusive father (who apparently didn't have much to say). Neverthless, the face-off was a catharsis that helped Alan deal with the bad memories of his dad.

Cumming eventually forged a fulfilling career that included high paying jobs as well as passion projects. Alan writes, "In short, I made my career fun! I became the eclectic version of myself that I now know and love."


Alan Cumming in 'Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical' (2005)


Alan Cumming and Kristin Chenoweth at the Tony Awards (2015)

Along the way, Alan also met a kind, funny, sexy American artist named Grant Shaffer, who's now his husband.


Alan Cumming and Grant Shaffer


Alan Cumming and Grant Shaffer got married in 2007

Unlike some celebrity memoirs, this isn't a primer on how to succeed in show business. Instead, it's the story of a talented man who overcame difficulties and succeeded.....and made a lot of friends along the way.

I had both the written book and the audiobook, narrated by Alan Cumming in his charming Scottish accent. I enjoyed the story and recommend it to fans of celebrity memoirs.

Rating: 4 stars

Review of "A Very Woodsy Murder: A Golden Motel Mystery" by Ellen Byron

I liked Ellen Byron's 'Cajun Country Mystery Series', set in Louisiana, so I decided to try this debut novel in the author's 'Golden Motel' series, set in California.

*****

Dee Stern was a Hollywood sitcom writer for fifteen years, but her latest job on the kids' show 'Duh!' - about tween superheroes in middle school - was the last straw. Dee admits, 'The job was hard, the pay was bad, the staff hated being there, and the writing was terrible, even my own.'



Taking a drive to get out of Los Angeles, Dee is meandering through the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains when she sees an abandoned hostelry, called the Golden Motel, for sale.





On the spot, Dee decides to become a hotelier.....



......and she and her best friend (and former husband) Jeff Cornetta pool their money to buy the motel.



To get the venue going, Dee and Jeff must clean, decorate, and refurnish all the rooms and cabins;



fix the welcome sign, which currently only illuminates the letters 'OLD MOTEL'; and repair the pool.



Jeff, who's a freelance website designer, will also create a webpage to advertise the venue and describe things to do in the area. The local attractions include the nearby Majestic National Park and two quaint towns called Foundgold and Goldsgone. These odd names hark back to the gold rush days of the mid-1800s, when would-be miners flocked to the area.

Foundgold, with a population of 68 and one general store/diner, doesn't attract many visitors.



However, Goldsgone - a historic recreation town that looks almost exactly like it did 150 years ago - is a popular tourist attraction. The Goldsgondians dress in period costumes; speak in Old West lingo; and maintain old timey facades for their stores and businesses.



Dee and Jeff hope to add additional activities, like a historic trail, and a sluice where families can pan for (fake) gold nuggets.



When Dee learns that the first guest of the Golden Motel will be Michael Adam Baker, she gets a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Baker is a sitcom writer Dee worked with on her first Hollywood gig, and he's the most devious, backstabbing person Dee ever worked with.



Baker claims he wants a quiet venue to pen his script for a new pilot, and Dee and Jeff are cautiously optimistic, thinking the hostelry might become a writer's retreat. It turns out Baker has an ulterior motive for staying at the Golden Motel, and when Dee learns about it, she angrily tells Baker to leave.



Soon afterward, Baker is found dead in the woods near the motel, and Dee and Jeff become the prime suspects for his murder.





Two rival law enforcement officers investigate the homicide, which results in some fun hijinks. The two men are Deputy Sheriff Raul Aguilar, from Goldsgone......

......and Park Ranger Tom O'Bryant, from Majestic National Park.



In the meantime, Dee and Jeff, whose 'murder motel' is losing business, decide to find the killer themselves. The would-be sleuths learn that the victim, Michael Adam Baker, grew up in Goldsgone, where some people consider him a golden boy, and others think he got what he deserved.

The hoteliers consider just about everyone Baker knew to be a suspect, including the victim's erstwhile agent; the agent's wife; the agent's assistant; a real estate broker; a restauranteur; a contractor; various sitcom writers; and more.



Dee and Jeff, being newly minted amateur detectives, fumble and bumble as they go around questioning people, who resent being considered suspects. Thus the sleuths are snubbed and threatened, and things escalate further when there's a drugging, a fire, a bear looking for food, and another death. Dee and Jeff keep on going, though, and carry on to success!

Ellen Byron has a deft hand with cozy mysteries, and there's lots of jollity in this one, which has a lovely setting and an entertaining group of characters. One of my favorites is Dee's father, Sam Stern, a voice actor who usually converses in the voice of a cartoon character he's acted, like Tweety Sweety, or Super String Man, or Colonel Cluck.



I look forward to Dee and Jeff's further adventures, which will (hopefully) include smoother sleuthing techniques.

Thanks to Netgalley, Ellen Byron, and Kensington Cozies for a copy of the manuscript.

Rating: 3 stars