Review of "A Star is Bored: A Novel" by Byron Lane

Byron Lane

Byron Lane is an author, playwright, screenwriter, actor and former personal assistant to Carrie Fisher.


Carrie Fisher

This novel, about a news writer who gets a job as a personal assistant to actress Kathi Kannon, was clearly inspired by Lane's time with Fisher, though he takes pains to point out that the book is fictional. In fact, the beginning of the book has this additional demurrer:

"But seriously, I repeat: This is a work of fiction. That you might speculate as to the identity of certain key characters dos not alter the fact that all of the characters in the book, including incidental ones, their names, the dialogue, the locales, and all the events recounted, are fictional products of the author's imagination.".....etc.
- My publisher's attorney

I'll add an addendum of my own: Photos I include of Carrie Fisher are not meant to imply she's Kathi Kannon.

*****

Twenty-nine year old Charlie is deeply in debt, has a tiny drab apartment, hates his job writing for a small Los Angeles news station, and is acutely depressed and mildly suicidal.

Thus, when Charlie gets a tip that Kathi Kannon - Hollywood star and best selling author - is looking for a personal assistant, he quickly applies for the position. Charlie has loved Kathi since childhood, when he saw her play Priestess Talara in the film Nova Quest, for which he collected the action figures. It would be a dream come true if Charlie could work for his idol.


Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in Star Wars


Princess Leia action figure

Charlie goes to Kathi's eclectic - and rather zany - house, where he has a nerve-wracking interview with the potty-mouthed actress, who likes to tease, joke, and poke fun.










Some rooms in Carrie Fisher's eclectic house

Charlie then has to wait for two harrowing weeks, with his phone glued to his hand, before he hears that he has the job. The position is far from a piece of cake, however. Kathi's former assistant neglected to leave an 'assistant's bible' detailing Kathi's schedule, habits, likes, dislikes, preferences, peculiarities, etc. and Charlie - who Kathi affectionately dubs 'Cockring' (ugh!!) - has to start from scratch.


Byron Lane and Carrie Fisher

After being schooled to wake Kathi up every day with Coke Zero over ice and her meds, Charlie learns to monitor every place Kathi goes for forgotten phones, sunglasses, earrings, bracelets, scarves, etc.; to clean her home of candy wrappers, soda cans, half-eaten brownies, 7-Eleven receipts, dirty silverware, and other detritus; to put away the books, jewelry, makeup, nail polish, and clothes Kathi scatters all over the place; to be ready at a moment's notice - day or night - to run to the store for something Kathi wants; to keep Kathi's apparel and papers organized; to sync Kathi's phone contacts with his, so he can keep track of her meetings and appointments; and so on. Most important of all, Charlie has a mission to keep Kathi - who suffers from bipolar disorder, alcoholism, and drug addiction - on the straight and narrow.


Carrie Fisher likes to have her things around her

Kathi's mother, a mega-famous actress everyone calls Miss Gracie, lives in a house next to Kathi's with her long-time personal assistant Roger.


Carrie Fisher and her mother Debbie Reynolds

In addition, an octogenarian maid and an elderly gardener - both of whom barely even pretend to work - also live on the estate.

Miss Gracie regularly gives Charlie thousands of dollars of 'vegetable money' - which he keeps in a purple backpack - so he can (try to) regulate Kathi's carefree spending.



However, Kathi often just grabs the money and sashays out to a place she calls Vegas. Kathi returns from her outings with shopping bags full of merchandise, including gifts for Charlie, the maid, and the gardener. Kathi is very loose with her credit cards as well, and on one occasion buys a pricey fur coat and immediately cuts it up to make a (useless) jacket for her dog.


Carrie Fisher and her dog

There are strong suggestions that Miss Gracie had to dramatically downsize to support Kathi's flamboyant lifestyle, since both mother and daughter are no longer making films.

On the upside, Kathi is smart, good-natured, clever and fun - and Charlie gets to accompany her on jaunts around Los Angeles as well as trips across the U.S. and to other countries. Charlie describes a stay in a luxury hotel in New York, a trip to Australia and Japan, a gay cruise (where Kathi is the entertainment), and a quickie hop to Yellowknife, Canada, where he and Kathi ride on a dogsled and see the Northern Lights.


Byron Lane and Carrie Fisher on a dogsled

Charlie stores up amusing anecdotes about his adventures with Kathi, and uses them as social capital when he meets a man he'd like to date, in person or on OkCupid. Charlie has little time for boyfriends though, and does most of his socializing with other personal assistants. The assistants meet for the occasional drink, and have an email network for sharing information. Charlie can ask for advice about shopping; doctors; food - whatever Kathi needs. This comes in handy when Kathi (inevitably) falls off the wagon and needs help.

The book is advertised as laugh out loud funny, and I did get a few chuckles. For example, at the upscale Hoshinoya restaurant in Japan Kathi and Charlie are served a special dinner that's a "royal and gruesome affair."

Charlie describes the dishes as follows: lobsters "that are still alive, their guts exposed, waving their antennae, begging for mercy"; drunk live baby shrimp bathed in alcohol; live octopi "flipping us off with each of their tentacles"; and "the most exquisite delicacies in all of Japan, raw squirming critters and beasts and something tarantula-like." Kathi and Charlie's efforts to hide the food in Kathi's purse are hilarious! And what happens when the waitress asks what they did with the shells?


Live lobster


Live shrimp


Live octopus

There are other amusing anecdotes in the story as well, but the book is largely a realistic peek at the lives of the (troubled) rich and famous. Charlie also has problems of his own. He grew up in rural Louisiana, saw his mother die when he was 12, and endured a bullying father who hated his 'effeminate traits.' Being with Kathi is healing for Charlie, and he notes that he felt only submission in his childhood, and only depression in his twenties, but now has "a reference for how it feels to be alive, to feel like I have a life worth living."

By the time Charlie leaves Kathi, to have a full life of his own, Charlie and Kathi have fallen into a kind of platonic love, both of them treasuring the time they had together, and being better people for it.


Carrie Fisher and Byron Lane

I like the book and admire Miss Gracie, who adores her difficult daughter and would literally do anything for her. My feelings about Kathi are more problematical. Kathi is a talented actress and writer, and a kind person, but she's also entitled and self-centered. Kathi opens pungent nail polish remover in the first class cabin of a commercial airplane; smears nail polish all over a cruise ship pillow; purposely spills melted ice on the floor of a limousine; is uppity with a saleswoman; dumps the contents of her purse out everywhere; and generally ignores the inconvenience she causes everyone around her.

As for Charlie, he's a nice fellow and (if he was a real person) I'd wish him happiness and love with his boyfriend 'Reid.'


Byron Lane and his boyfriend Steven Rowley

Thanks to Netgalley, the author (Byron Lane) and the publisher (Henry Holt & Co.) for a copy of the book.

Rating; 3.5 stars