In this memoir, the transgender author Abby Stein writes about her transition from male to female. To avoid confusion, I'll refer to the author as 'he' before the transition and 'she' after the transition.
Abby Stein
Yisroel Avrom ben Menachem Mendel was born into a Chasidic family in Brooklyn in 1991. Yisroel was the first son following five daughters, and his parents were thrilled to finally have a boy. This was especially important because Yisroel's family is descended from Rabbi Israel ben Eliezer, known as the Baal Shem Tov, who founded Chasidic Judaism in the 1700s. The male descendants of the Baal Shem Tov usually become important rabbis, and are something like 'royalty' in the Chasidic community.
Rabbi Israel ben Eliezer
Modern day Chasidic Rabbis
Yisroel was not destined to follow this path, however, because - from early childhood - Yisroel knew he was a girl in a boy's body. This was especially bewildering to Yisroel, because the insular Chasidic community doesn't acknowledge (or doesn't know about) the existence of LGBTQ+ individuals. Thus Yisroel - who spoke only Yiddish and Hebrew - had no words to describe his gender dysphoria and no idea there were other people like him.
Being seen as a boy made Yisroel uncomfortable from childhood on. After a hernia operation, little Yisroel was taken to a toy store, where he selected a doll house. Yisroel's parents said this was inappropriate for a boy, and steered him toward the toy trucks. And at the age of three, when Jewish boys get their first haircut, Yisroel insisted he wanted long hair like a girl. Then, upon the approach of Yisroel's Bar Mitzvah at thirteen - when a Jewish boy becomes a man - Yisroel got into his bed and cried uncontrollably. According to the author, this 'gender disconnect' affected almost every aspect of his life through the years.
Orthodox Jewish boys get their first haircut at the age of three
Jewish boys have a Bar Mitzvah at the age of thirteen
As the author relates the story, we get a picture of Yisroel's home life, parents, (twelve) siblings, extended family, schooling, friends, and the customs and beliefs he grew up with. Chasidic sects are extremely restrictive, resembling eastern European shtetls of the early 1900s. The sects are also exceedingly gender segregated, and boys and girls have little to do with each other until they enter into arranged marriages, usually at the age of eighteen.
Early 20th century Chasidic shtetl in eastern Europe
Yisroel attended several yeshivas, where boys study the Torah, Talmud and Jewish law. Yisroel was a smart boy and a good student, but he repeatedly engaged in disruptive behavior, attributing this (at least in part) to being in a school for boys, where he felt he didn't belong.
Yeshiva students
Yisroel Avrom ben Menachem Mendel
In a description of some of his rowdy activities, Yisroel writes about secretly (and repeatedly) raising the volume of a teacher's microphone to cacophonous levels, which infuriated the educator. And Yisroel admits he convinced some fellow malefactors to toss a smelly concoction that looked like poop at their schoolmates. When Yisroel's role in the incident was discovered, he got in trouble with the school and his Tati (father). Afterwards, someone tossed the odorous mixture at a teacher, who became incensed. The teacher repeatedly hit Yisroel in the face and kicked him in the stomach, in an attempt to extract a confession from the boy, who insisted he was innocent. (This behavior by a teacher is shocking to me.)
Turbulent incidents like this, as well as purposely baiting teachers with heretical questions gleaned from 'forbidden books' (like Richard Dawkins' book 'The God Delusion'), resulted in Yisroel attending one yeshiva after another. As a teenager, Yisroel finally ended up at a boarding yeshiva in upstate New York, where he had a sexual relationship with a fellow student. Yisroel didn't know anything about homosexuality, and thought of himself as the 'girl' in the twosome.
As was customary in Chasidic communities, Yisroel was betrothed at eighteen, after the engagement was approved by both sets of parents and the Rebbe (religious leader). Moreover, in a modern twist, the DNA of Yisroel and his potential fiancée was tested, to forestall the genetic diseases common among Chasidic Jews. With everything being okay, the couple got engaged, and didn't see each other again until they were married a year later.
Yisroel getting married
Most Chasidic youth know little or nothing about sexual relations until shortly before the nuptials, when they're told what's what. I had to chuckle when Yisroel admitted he thought the woman's 'hole' was somewhere around the belly button. In any case, Yisroel and his wife soon had a son, which was a turning point in Yisroel's life.
Once Yisroel had a child, whom he dearly loved, he couldn't go on as a man. Yisroel left his Chasidic community, transitioned to a woman, and became Abby Chava Stein. Stein had a lot of help making this transition, from dedicated non-profit organizations, a liberal rabbi, the LGBTQ+ community, and others. Stein also proceeded to learn English, get her GED, attend Columbia University, and live a 'Western' life.
Yisroel transitioned to Abby Stein
The abandonment of Stein's roots is referred to as "off the derech (OTD)", which means "off the path." I would have liked to read more details about Stein going OTD, such as the reaction of her wife (whom she divorced), parents, brothers and sisters, friends, acquaintances, and the wider Chasidic community. Stein says little about this, except for describing a meeting with her Tati, where she came out as transgender. Most of Stein's family refused to speak to her following this, which is common when a person goes OTD.
Though going OTD is not uncommon, being transgender at the same time is less usual. Thus Stein's story is enlightening and interesting, and I'd like to see her expand the narrative.
Rating: 3.5 stars
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