| When comedians write new bits, they ask each other, 'Is This Anything?' Jerry Seinfeld has a long career of writing 'anythings' and compiles some of his best humor in this book. The following are examples of his work. Monkey My next door neighbor just got a pet monkey. Now there's a lot of different animals you can get if you want a pet. But I would say once you find yourself at the monkey level, just have a kid. You're so close. It's one more little step. When you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke cigars, it's time to think about a family.  It's not a good pet anyway. He's got a leash for it like he's gonna walk it. You can't walk a monkey. Any place a monkey has to be just yah he's there. So the guy tries to walk him and yah he's on the wall; yah he's on your head; yah he's on a pole. There's so much tension in monkeys. That face skin is pulled so tight. When you come that close to being the dominant species on your planet and you don't make it, you feel pressure all the time after that. 'I can't believe how close we were. We got the thumbs and everything.'  ***** Doctor's Waiting Room There's that little bit of arrogance in the medical community that I think we could all live without. Like when you go to see the doctor, they don't just let you see the doctor. You must first wait in the waiting room. There's no chance of not waiting, that's the name of the room. Just the fact that doctors have waiting rooms is like saying all appointments are meaningless, my schedule is bogus. You sit there pretending you're reading your little magazine.....you're actually looking at the other people. I wonder what he's got. That guy's a goner. Then they call you. You look around at the other people. 'Well, I guess I've been chosen.' And you get very excited because you think you're gonna see the doctor, but you're not. You're just going into the next smaller waiting room.  Now you don't even have your magazine. You got your pants around your ankles. You're sittin' on that butcher paper they pull out over the table. Sometimes I bring a pickle with me and put it next to me right on the table, in case the doctor wants to wrap the whole thing up for a to-go order. But medically speaking it's always good to be in the small room.  You don't want to be in a large room, like those operating theaters they have with the stadium seating. You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, 'Well I have to see this. Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that?' ***** Dad's Thermostat You can't beat adult power. Unlimited television; cookies anytime you want. Plus you can go home tonight and screw around with that thermostat all you like. We're in charge of it now. My father got me so crazy with that thing, I didn't go near a thermostat until I was 28 years old. I was in a hotel room in Pittsburgh when I finally got up the guts to move it a little bit. The whole night I couldn't sleep; I was afraid my father was gonna burst in the door, 'Who touched the thermostat in here. You know I set it there for a reason'. For years I waited for my father to take me aside and explain to me the secret of the thermostat. Then one day he did sit me down. Told me this whole story, the sperm the egg, intercourse. I said, 'Dad, who cares. Get to the part where the thermostat comes in. What does it really control?'  ***** Of course Facebook, another great trash receptacle of human time which everyone loves, because not only does the name Facebook complete the final whoring out of the word book....I'm sure lookin at pictures of Timmy and Tammy drunk in Cabo is the same as reading Moby Dick.....but also because it expresses the outlook of young dumb people which is so beautiful that 'people are great, and it's great to connect with people.'  I'm hoping that I live long enough to see these young people in their fifties because when you blow out the candles on that fiftieth birthday cake, your first thought is going to be 'the fewer people I have anything to do with, the better off I'm going to be.' Connecting with people is why there's lawyers, mace, and cease and desist orders. Because of two people that connected with each other.  ***** Orange Juice Orange juice is never like fresh-squeezed enough. I saw on the side of a carton of Tropicana 'now even more like fresh-squeezed.' Used to be 'like fresh-squeezed.' Then 'more like fresh squeezed.' Now 'even more.' Just squeeze it already. You want it, we want it. The oranges are helpless. Squeeze em up!  ***** Almond Milk Almond milk....who got that assignment. Who got a can of almonds slammed on their desk and told find a way to get some milk out of these goddamn things. Nobody wants nuts. They want milk. How do they even find a stool small enough to slide under the almond to milk it. You know how hard it must be to manipulate the teats of an almond. And rice milk. Even harder, even less room under there.  ***** Cookies Different foods affect you at different times of day. Cookies wait for night. I've never seen a cookie in the morning. I don't know where they are. Cookies know in the morning, you are strong, they are weak. At night, you are weak, they are strong. That's why most cookies are round. Because this is a face to face confrontation. You can almost feel their little chocolate chip eyes on you.  Cookie companies make cookies seem very innocent. It's just elves living in trees. They make 'em as a hobby. They always put happy clowns and balloons on the box. The truth is cookies should have names like chocolate sons of bitches. That's what our real relationship is. Those little vanilla bastards got me again last night. It's a war. That's why cookies live like military, inside boxes, in those preformed army barracks housing.  ***** Supermarket Impulse Buy When I was a kid I hated the supermarket. You're with your mom. Anything you want you have to beg for, like a trained poodle. Mom...please....these are different. They have the chocolate on the inside. So degrading. Now I get whatever I want in the supermarket. The whole cart is filled with things that I want.  And if I decide I don't want something I put it back wherever I am in the supermarket. There's no rules in the supermarket. It's us against them. They invented impulse buying and we invented impulse not buying. I don't care if the store manager is looking right at me. Yeah those are my peaches on top of the Pennzoil. What about it. I can't straighten out your whole inventory. I'm busy here reading magazines I'm not gonna buy either.  ***** Weather Girls And what's with all the heated up, sexed out, super vixen weather girls wearing insane cocktail outfits on local TV at 9:30 in the morning. Everyone else on the news looks normal. They go to the weather, it's like a private Vegas sex club with masks and whips and thigh high boots. She's spanking the traffic guy with a riding crop.  The Dopplers brought to you by crotch-less underwear. Turn down the heat. Got a hundred million men in this country trying to be extremely respectful while adjusting to new guidelines just handed down in a very fluid situation. You can help out a little. Shoulder your weapons before noon. Is that fair? ***** Good Humor I loved getting ice cream from the ice cream man. You'd stand in line behind the truck, they had a little menu of the different ice creams you could get. And it was placed right over the exhaust pipe of the truck. Our eyes were watering, coughing....you had a Dixie Cup it was the equivalent of smokin' a pack of Camels. Nobody cared. These were good times. And no matter what you asked the guy for, he'd reach in and pull it right out. He never had to look. I don't know how he did it. Was there a little Eskimo guy in there handing it to him?  ***** The book is chock full of funny bits, and is just the thing for folks who need a laugh. I listened to the audiobook, narrated by the author, and highly recommend it. Rating: 4 stars |
No comments:
Post a Comment