Artist Miriam Feldman
In the 1980s Miriam Feldman and her husband Craig O'Rourke - both artists - were happy to purchase a craftsman-style home in the toney Larchmont Village neighborhood of Los Angeles. And they were thrilled when their son Nicholas was born soon afterwards. Nick was strong and adorable and "his future was as bright as the goddamn sun."
Miriam Feldman with baby Nick O'Rourke
Craig took Nick on fishing trips and to museums, and the boy would follow Craig to his work studio in the garage. Nick was artistic like his parents, and Miriam anticipated a great career for him.
Miriam Feldman with young Nick O'Rourke
When Nick's sisters Lucy and Rose came along, they adored their big brother, and Miriam - feeling blessed with her wonderful family - strove to be the best mother she could be.
By his teens, however, Nick started to exhibit troubling behavior. He would frequently destroy things around the house, steal his sisters' belongings, and lie about where he went and what he did. After a painful break-up with a girlfriend, Nick complained of terrible thoughts in his head, and Miriam once found him with bloody slashes on his wrists. Nick became a heavy marijuana user, and spent a lot of time alone and brooding.
A drawing by Nick O'Rourke
A self-portrait by teenage Nick O'Rourke
Miriam was in denial about Nick's problems, and made a second career out of cleaning up and covering up, to hide the extent of Nick's difficulties....even from family members. Miriam clung to the belief that Nick was showing typical teenage behavior, and refused to admit - even to herself - that something was very wrong with her son.
A painting by Nick O'Rourke
Miriam Feldman writes of this painting: "This is one of my favorite paintings of Nick’s. It shows the fragmented, non-linear side of human existence. I know that Nick sees the world is a different way and his paintings are a window into his mind."
Craig thought Nick was just being lazy and willful, and thought his son only needed a firm hand to set him on the right track.
When Nick's disruptive and destructive behavior escalated, his parents confined him to the house. Craig was adamant about grounding Nick, but Miriam gave in to the boy's pleas to have coffee with his girlfriend. The outing led to a vicious physical fight between Nick and his father, the police were called, and Miriam had the opportunity to have Nick held for a psychiatric evaluation. Instead, Miriam took Nick home, thinking that if she could just get him through high school and into college, all would be be well.
Nick O'Rourke
Miriam's obsession with her son had severe consequences for the entire family. Miriam and Craig owned a property in Washington state, which they were fixing up for their golden years. Miriam encouraged Craig to spend great swaths of time in Washington, thinking she'd have freedom to 'fix' Nick without his interference. And Craig left it largely to Miriam to raise the children.
Miriam writes of her husband, "Craig's own father had walked away from his infant son and teenage wife, leaving them to make their own life. Craig had cleaved to his own son with the urgency of the bereft. We all mused that they were like John and Sean Lennon. Once schizophrenia scooped Nick up, Craig stood paralyzed as his redemption disappeared in front of his eyes." The end result was that Craig sidestepped interactions with Nick, being unable to face the boy's illness.
Miriam Feldman and Craig O'Rourke
In retrospect, Craig's absence from the family seems like a bad idea. Lucy and Rose felt deserted by their father and overlooked by their mother, who had little time for them. Rose came to feel 'invisible', and her escalating anger eventually tore her from the family.
Nick lasted all of seven days in college, and psychiatrists diagnosed him with bipolar disorder before they realized he actually had schizophrenia - one of the most frightening of all mental illnesses.
Miriam relates Nick's tragic saga in the book, admitting Nick had to be banned from the house for fear of what he'd do. Miriam writes about finding Nick a place to live; taking him to doctors; bribing him to take his medication; making financial arrangements for his well being; calling the police when he acted out; finding programs and studies to enroll him in; etc. Miriam hoped against hope that Nick would get well, but Nick is now in his thirties and still mentally ill. Miriam says about herself, "I ran headlong, haunted and wild, after my son. I am running still."
Unfortunately, the family's medical difficulties weren't confined to Nick. Miriam had severe physical problems, and Craig and Lucy fell ill as well. Luckily, Miriam had a wonderful support network of neighbors, friends, and relatives, who helped her get through the dark days.
Miriam Feldman and some of her family members
It would be instructive to learn about Nick's illness from his point of view, but the disordered thoughts of severe schizophrenics make that impossible. However, Miriam did find notebooks from Nick's teen years, which contain jottings that foreshadow his descent into mental illness. It's clear that Nick was a talented intelligent boy whose mind became clouded by the chemical imbalance associated with schizophrenia.
Though Miriam's narrative is sad and disturbing, she infuses her anecdotes with humor, which makes a welcome respite from the gloom. Miriam's ongoing ordeal has made her an advocate for those who can't speak for themselves, and she's on the advisory board of Bring Change 2 Mind, is active in the leadership of the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI), is a frequent guest on mental health podcasts, and uses social media to communicate with families dealing with mental illness.
Miriam Feldman
This book is recommended to people dealing with mentally ill individuals, and anyone else with an interest in the subject.
Thanks to Netgalley, the author (Miriam Feldman), and the publisher (Turner) for a copy of the book.
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