Review of "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea: A Memoir" by Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler is an American comic, actress, writer, television host, producer, and activist. In this memoir Chelsea relates hilarious stories about her life, some of which are SO outrageous they must be taken with a grain of salt. Chelsea admits she's a compulsive liar, but she's also a very funny lady.

Chelsea Handler

FYI: There are (potentially) offensive, politically incorrect references in the book, as well as crude humor.

*****

I'll give some examples of Chelsea's tales, to give a feel for the narrative.

★★ Blacklisted - Nine-year-old Chelsea, caught without her language arts homework, tells the teacher she's been in three straight nights of meetings with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, negotiating her contract to play Goldie Hawn's daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin.


Young Chelsea Handler

As Chelsea's schoolmates start to marvel at this, her lies get bigger and more outrageous. When Chelsea's asked how she got the part, she says, "I was in a little Off-Broadway production with Meryl Streep.....she and I really clicked. She recommended me to the director of this movie."

And later, talking about the Private Benjamin negotiations, Chelsea confides, "I'm having trouble getting the trailer size I want. Goldie's being pretty cool, but Kurt is so mercurial. He doesn't understand why a nine-year-old needs a Jacuzzi and a personal chef.....These types of things always take time."

Chelsea's dad tries to get her to set the record straight at school, but do you think she fesses up?

★★ Prison Break - One week after Chelsea's 21st birthday, she gets stopped for drunk driving and arrested. In jail, Chelsea is way out of element, dismayed by the fingerprinting, photo shoot, handcuffs, etc.



As a batch of nude women are waiting for the mandatory cavity search, Chelsea observes, "There were women in there who clearly had never heard of a razor, never mind a bikini wax. Hedge trimmers would have been a more appropriate tool for the situations going on between some of these women's legs. One woman looked like she had Buckwheat stuck in a leg lock."


Buckwheat on 'Little Rascals'

Chelsea's bail is high, and she bunks next to a murderer; pees in the open; gets a sandwich indented with thumb prints; and suffers other indignities before she's sprung by her aunt. Later, Chelsea's friend Ivory says she set up a fund, in case Chelsea's relatives didn't come up with bail. "How much did you get?" Chelsea asks. "Fifty-five dollars," says Ivory.

★★ Bladder Stones - Chelsea is visiting her parents in New Jersey for a short break during her first book tour. Chelsea's 250-pound father Melvin, who has bladder stones, lumbers up off the couch to pee in the backyard, much to the disgust of Chelsea's sister Sloane.


Chelsea Handler's parents, Melvin and Rita


Chelsea Handler (right) with her sister Sloane

Melvin, who considers himself a super-salesman, then gets a phone call and excitedly tells Chelsea, "All right. Everything's all set. You have a book signing Monday morning at the ShopRite [a supermarket]." As Sloane starts laughing, Melvin asks "Now, how are we gonna get the books?"

Chelsea responds, "First of all Dad, I'm not doing a book signing at a grocery store. Second, we can't just have the publisher overnight us books. It takes a couple of days.....and who's even going to show up?"

"I'll print up the flyers," says Melvin, which causes Sloane to spit up a little bit. "Print up flyers?" Sloane comments. "You can barely use the telephone."

"And where am I gonna sign the books anyway," asks Chelsea, "in the produce section?"

When Chelsea's mom Rita suggests that really isn't Chelsea's audience, Melvin suggests the car wash or the deli, and brags that he sold three copies of Chelsea's book at Starbucks the other day. "I told [customers] my daughter is a best selling author and she's a graduate from Livingston High School....and they should buy the book."

In fact Chelsea's entire visit with her family is a hoot.

★★ Jumped - Chelsea decides she needs to lose a few pounds and goes to a nutritionist named Mark, who explains what clean eating is, and has a whole diagram with charts, percentages, a pointer, and a blackboard. The whole presentation is no different than what you'd see on an episode of CSI: Miami.



Mark puts together a meal and exercise plan for Chelsea, and shows her how to log on to a website where she'll type in every morsel of food that enters her body. Mark then suggests kickboxing as a way to jumpstart her weight reduction, and Mark limits Chelsea - who LOVES her vodka - to two drinks a week.

Three weeks and six drinks later Chelsea has lost 4% body fat and three pounds. Chelsea feels amazing, has more energy than she's ever had in her life, and is a now a believer that muscles do indeed take up less space than fat.

Chelsea decides to celebrate with a coffee from Starbucks, and elects to treat herself to a Frappuccino instead of her usual non-fat Cappuccino. Then, before she knows it, Chelsea also orders a turkey pesto sandwich, a coffee cake, a rocky road brownie, one raspberry arugula salad, a fruit and cheese plate, three chocolate covered graham crackers, and a chocolate chip muffin.



Later, Chelsea has a sugar hangover because her body is completely appalled with what she shoved into it. What a disaster! Especially because jacked up Chelsea has to pick up a friend from the airport, and gets into a fistfight with three teen girls along the way. To add insult to injury, the kickboxing practice doesn't help.

★★ Costa Rica - After the death of her mom, Chelsea takes her dad Melvin on a trip to Costa Rica. At the airport, Chelsea and Melvin go through the metal detector and are stopped on the other side by a female security officer - a large black woman with penciled in eyebrows and fingernails long enough to fight off a porcupine.



The security officer asks to search Melvin's red duffle bag, and Melvin throws up his hands up as if he's being asked to submit to an anal cavity search. He then exclaims, "Do what you gotta do. I don't know what you think you're gonna find."

Seconds later the security officer grabs a pair of Melvin's shorts at the top of the bag and empties out the pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fall onto the folding table.



The security officer says she has to confiscate the lighter, and Chelsea observes, "The lighter? What about the bomb kit he's carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench!"

"I need the wrench," shouts Melvin. "What if something goes wrong with the plane?!"

Needless to say, more funny stuff happens on the Costa Rica vacation.

*****

I'll wind up with a few miscellaneous quotes from the book.

★★ "I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around."



★★ "Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail."

"

★★ "A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food. How can they have the nerve to beg for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? I didn't care if this guy understood English or not. "Tell me when you're out of dog, buddy. Then we can talk about splitting a falafel."



★★ [Talking about an ex-boyfriend.] "It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus."



★★ “Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.”



There are lots more stories in the book, which are entertaining if you're not offended by Chelsea's non-woke, raunchy humor.

Rating: 3.5 stars