Heather B. Armstrong
Heather B. Armstrong is a popular 'mommy blogger' who uses her website 'Dooce' to share posts about her family, personal life, pop culture, music, commercial products, and so on. Over the years Heather also wrote about her struggle with depression, which became more serious over time. By 2016 Heather had been suffering from an eighteen-month-long bout of a depression so deep that she wanted to be dead. Heather would wear the same yoga pants, sports bra, and T-shirt for days in a row, with her unshowered body topped by dirty hair. Feeling her normally trim body was out of shape, Heather writes: "I slept in my yoga pants because I didn't want to have to change my pants and see my alien body."
At the time Heather fell into the abyss, she'd been living in Salt Lake City, Utah for most of her life and was raising her two daughters Leta (13) and Marlo (7) alone.
Heather B. Armstrong with her daughters
Heather's daughters, Leta and Marlo
Heather's ex-husband Jon had moved to New York, and she was desperate to keep her depressive condition from him, fearing he'd demand custody of the children. Instead Heather would hide in a closet and call her mother, who lived nearby. Hoping the children couldn't hear, Heath would let loose, sometimes "making noises like a pig makes in a barn fire" and sometimes moaning "I don't want to be alive."
Heather could hardly bring herself to do laundry or unload the dishwater; got anxious when her boss emailed or called, knowing he'd want something completed; and was amazed that she could perform her 'mommy' job from day to day, which she describes as: "Make sure the girls have eaten; make sure they're showered and dressed; make sure they have their homework; is Marlo wearing socks? make sure to let the dog back in; make sure we have Cheerios for the next two breakfasts; make sure Leta has taken a pill for her allergies; make sure Leta has asked her friend for a ride to school tomorrow, since the other carpool just cancelled......and so on. Morning after morning after morning. And then again. And then again." Heather felt like she was barely hanging on.
Heather's psychiatrist, Dr. Lowry Bushnell, had prescribed many medications over the years, but her illness had become resistant to drugs - and pharmaceuticals no longer helped. When Heather visited Dr. Bushnell after a nine-month lapse, he looked at her and said "You don't have to tell me [how you feel]. It's all over your face. It has stolen your eyes." The psychiatrist then suggested that Heather participate in an experimental study with Dr. Brian Mickey, who was investigating the use of Propofol (the anesthetic that killed Michael Jackson) to treat depression.
Propofol
With this treatment, the patient is put to sleep - that is put into a REALLY DEEP INDUCED COMA (simulating brain death) - about three times a week for ten sessions. The purpose is to find out if "burst suppression" - quieting the brain's electrical activity - can alleviate the symptoms of depression.....sort of like rebooting a computer. Heather agreed to the Propofol regimen and this book describes each of her ten treatments, interspersed with anecdotes about herself, her children, her parents, her job, and more.
Heather's mother and stepfather stepped up to accompany her to each session, while her children - who didn't know exactly what was going on - quietly hoped for the best. Heather had to forego food and water prior to every therapy session, each of which went something like this: Heather arrives at the clinic; fills out a form assessing her level of depression; tells a nurse what drugs she's taking; has a 22-gauge needle inserted into her vein; lays down on a gurney; has sensors attached to her body; and passes out when a doctor starts the Propofol (plus other meds) drip. The medical team then inserts a breathing tube into Heather's throat, which is removed at the end of the session. When it's over, Heather is transported to a recovery room, where she wakes up confused and thirsty. A nurse then gives her apple juice and assesses her condition. When Heather demonstrates that she's compos mentis (knows her name and the year), she's allowed to go home with her folks.
Heather's mother and stepfather watched every procedure from beginning to end, her mom keeping an eagle eye on everything and everyone, making sure Heather's eyes were taped shut and substances that constipated her were left out (to Heather's eternal embarrassment).🙂
Heather notes that she started to feel better after treatment five.....and was on an upward trajectory from then on.
In the course of Heather's story we learn that she comes from a family plagued by depression; she left the Mormon Church; her biological father has an anger problem and traumatized her as a child (I would have liked to know more about this); her mother is an angel who helps with laundry, meals, babysitting.....whatever's needed; her kids have a full roster of activities, including school, piano lessons, and sports; she helped a blind man run a marathon; she wouldn't mind having a nice boyfriend who has a job; and she's eternally grateful to the medical team that treated her, all of whom volunteered their time and were immensely caring and helpful.
In an afterward, Dr. Brian Mickey, MD, PhD, writes that tens of millions of people around the world have treatment-resistant depression, and "this situation has inspired scientists like myself to search for new treatments." Dr. Mickey goes on to say "The study Heather participated in could be the beginning of something new. But the true benefits of Propofol for treatment-resistant depression remain unknown. Much work still needs to be done."
Dr. Brian Mickey
So far Heather continues to do well. With luck, she'll be a long term success story.
I found the story to be a bit repetitive (all those treatments) and would have liked to know more about Heather's upbringing. Nevertheless, the book is laudable for explaining a therapy that (eventually) might help a lot of people.
Thanks to Netgalley, the author (Heather B. Armstrong), and the publisher (Gallery Books) for a copy of the book.
Rating: 3.5 stars
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