Humorist David Sedaris put together some of his best previously published stories in this book. The author is almost always funny, but some of his anecdotes are melancholy and nostalgic. In addition to recounting humorous incidents in his life Sedaris writes about his sister's suicide; his mother's alcoholism; and his father's disapproval. The following are examples of his anecdotes.
*****
From a letter to President Clinton signed by voters in Michigan:
"The first thing you should do is put some stores on your so-called Washington Mall. My family and I visited last summer and were disappointed to find nothing but grass and statues. Since Washington is the capital of our country, shouldn't its mall be world-class?....Let's bring on the food court."
Washington Mall
*****
In a foreign language class conducted exclusively in French, the teacher asked a question about Easter. A Moroccan student asked "Excuse me, but what's an Easter?"
Realizing their Moroccan classmate was unfamiliar with Christianity, the students used their minimal knowledge of French to respond.
"It is a party for the little boy of God who call his self Jesus and then he die one day on two....morsels of ....lumber."
"He die one day and then he go above my head to live with your father."
"He weared of himself the long hair and after he die, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples."
"Easter is a party for to eat of the lamb. One too may eat of the chocolate."
When the teacher asked who brings the chocolate, Sedaris replies, "The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate."
More incomprehensible conversation followed, and - confused and disgusted - the Moroccan student shrugged her shoulders and turned her attention back to the comic book she kept hidden under her binder.
*****
When Sedaris was small his family moved to North Carolina, where young David heard that a neighboring family, the Tomkeys, had no television. David went to school with two of the Tomkey children, and he sometimes tried to view the world through their eyes.
One day in class a boy named William began to write the wrong answer on the blackboard, and the teacher flailed her arms, saying "Warning, Will. Danger, danger." The class laughed, knowing that she was imitating the robot in the TV show Lost in Space. Sedaris observes, "The Tomkeys though, would have thought she was having a heart attack."
*****
Every summer the Sedaris family rented a vacation home on the North Carolina coast, where the houses had clever names like The Skinny Dipper, Lazy Daze, Loony Dunes, etc. The family was in the car one day when David's dad said he would BUY a summer house.
Excited about getting a vacation home, everyone threw out suggestions for names based on things they saw outside the car window. Thus a gas station inspired the name 'The Shell Station' (which isn't bad). Other ideas were The TV Antenna, The Telephone Pole, The Toothless Black Man Selling Shrimp From The Back Of His Van, The Cement Mixer, The Overturned Grocery Cart, The Cigarette Butt Thrown Out the Window, and so on.
As things turned out Dad reneged and didn't buy a house (though David himself eventually did).
*****
David was planning a visit to his sister Lisa in Winston Salem and phoned to finalize arrangements. Since Lisa would be at work when David arrived, she needed to tell him where she'd hide the door key. Lisa said, "I'm thinking I'll just leave the key under the hour ott near the ack toor."
David thought she had something in her mouth until he realized she was speaking in code. So David said, "Okay, but can you tell me WHICH hour ott?"
"It's ed", she said. "Well.....eddish."
When David arrived, he (luckily) found the key under the red flowerpot near the back door.
*****
Once, at a dinner party, David met a woman whose parrot had learned to imitate the automatic icemaker on her refrigerator. "That's what happens when they're left alone," the woman had said.
This was very depressing to David, who felt bad for the lonesome creature.
David repeated the story to his sister Lisa, who told him that neglect had nothing to do with it. Lisa then prepared a cappuccino, setting the stage for her parrot Henry's pitch perfect imitation of the milk steamer. "He can do the blender too, she said."
*****
Sedaris travels around the world to promote his books. and uses Pimsleur audio programs to learn phrases in the language of the destination country, such as Japan, China, France, etc.
Sedaris did this on a trip to Germany, with German audio programs. In one program, the teacher explains that German and English are closely related and thus have a lot in common. In one language the verb is 'to come', and in the other its 'kommen.' English 'to give' is Germen 'gebben.' America's 'That is good' is Germany's 'Das ist gut.'
Sedaris notes, "It's an excellent way to start and leaves the listener thinking, 'Hey Ich kann do dis.'
*****
Sedaris writes about his brother Paul, who has all but given up solid food, and at age forty-six eats much the way he did when he was nine months old. Everything goes into his Omega J8006 juicer - kale, carrots, celery, some kind of powder scraped off the knuckles of bees - and it all comes out dung-colored and the texture of applesauce.
David observes that Paul once juiced "What I think was a tennis ball mixed with beets and four-leaf clovers."
*****
When gay marriage became legal in the United States, Sedaris's accountant advised him it would be financially advantageous if David and his partner Hugh got married. Sedaris writes, "While I often dreamed of making a life with another man, I never extended the fantasy to marriage....The whole thing felt like a step down to me. From the dawn of time, the one irrefutably good thing about gay men and lesbians was that we didn't force people to sit through our weddings."
*****
Talking about his North Carolina vacation home, called the Sea Section, Sedaris observes that it's nothing much to look at. He goes on, "It might have been designed by a ten-year-old with a ruler, that's how basic it is: walls, roof, windows, deck. It's easy to imagine the architect putting down his crayon and shouting into the next room, 'I'm done. Can I watch TV now'?"
*****
On a serious note, Sedaris notes that one of his favorite TV shows is Intervention, which makes him think of his mother - who was an alcoholic. He goes on, "It's a hard word to use for someone you love, and so my family avoided it. Rather, we'd whisper, among ourselves, that Mom 'had a problem', that she 'could stand to cut back.'
When sober, David's mother was sunny and likable, and when drunk, she was dark, belligerent, and - when other people were around - embarrassing. Still, the family never confronted her.
Young Amy and David Sedaris with their mother Sharon
*****
Sedaris's father was a difficult man who was particularly critical of David, frequently suggesting David would never amount to anything. Even after David became successful, his father couldn't acknowledge his accomplishments.
Finally, towards the end of his life, Sedaris's nonagenarian father told him, "You've accomplished so many fantastic things in your life. You're well....I want to tell you....you....you won."
Nonagenarian Lou Sedaris
*****
I'll wind up with a cute limerick:
Rags, the Shatwells' Irish setter,
doubles as a paper shredder.
His lunch was bills, and last year's taxes,
followed by a dozen faxes.
*****
There are many more funny anecdotes in the book, as well additional humorous limericks, amusing short stories, and a few wistful recollections. If you need a laugh, you can't go wrong with David Sedaris.
Rating: 4 stars
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