On Stephen Colbert's program, "The Late Show", he does a comedy sketch called "Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions." The host explains that he's Catholic - but doesn't always get to Church - so he'll cleanse his conscience by confessing to the audience.

Stephen's 'sins', of course, are hilarious. This is the written version of the skit, or - as Stephen explains it - the portable version.
The book, which can be read in a jiffy, is a lot of fun. To provide an idea of the contents, I'll note some jokes that made me laugh.
*****
"Yesterday I told a coworker she had the cutest baby. But really it was more of a 6."

"Sometimes when I go to a garage sale, I sneak in some of my own junk and run."

"I wear sunglasses on the subway so no one sees me peeking at their text messages. Actually, I lied. I don't ride the subway."

"If I sneeze and somebody doesn't say "Bless You", I aim the next sneeze toward them."

"Whenever I see a bowl of M&Ms at a party, I always toss in a couple of Skittles just to freak people out."

"One of the wise men in my Nativity scene broke, and instead of buying a new one, I replaced him with Lego Batman."

"When my kids were growing up, our house didn't have a fireplace. So I told them that Santa came out of the dryer."

"I don't say "Spoiler Alert" before giving away the ending to a movie.......or serving bad clams."

"They say there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's, but I'm thinking a whole bag while you're idling in the driveway is close."

"I think women look great in stiletto heels, but if I were a woman and a man asked me to wear them, I would murder him with my shoes."

"I know how to fold fitted sheets, but I will never tell my wife."

"I really want washboard abs.....but all I have is a fabric-softener ass."

And here are some gems submitted by Colbert's twitter fans:
"I went through a Dunkin Donuts drive thru and started talking to the garbage can instead of the speaker."

"Until the 6th grade I though lesbians were what you called people who lived in Libya."

"Sometimes I eat Jimmy Fallon's ice cream while I watch Stephen Colbert's show."

*****
If these quips amuse you, there are lots more in the book. And if you want even more, "Midnight Confessions" segments are available on YouTube.
Love him! 😁
ReplyDeleteMe too :):)
DeleteThese are hilarious. I wish he'd stick to his signature comedy rather than politics. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteHe does get political, that's for sure Kali.
Delete