William Dameron
Fortysomething William Dameron (Bill) had been married to his wife Katherine for twenty years when she confronted him in a Walmart parking lot. "Just park the car now Bill," she said. "I have to ask you this, or I'm afraid I never will. Are you gay?"
"I don't want to be", Bill replied. And his deeply held secret was finally out in the open.
In this memoir, Dameron shares the experience of coming out as a married father of two, a man who was devoted to his family, but unable to go on living a lie.
*****
Katherine probably 'had a feeling' Bill was gay for years. During a rocky time in their relationship, when the couple went to a marriage counselor, Katherine mentioned, "Sex has been a semiannual event for years, Bill. You know I need you to initiate it." In response, Bill said "Remember that night, two weeks ago when I asked you", though Bill knew he had purposely chosen a night when Katherine was too tired.
Bill's sexual preference became more obvious shortly before he came out, when he developed a 'man crush' on a handsome, heterosexual, married co-worker named Enzo. Bill recalls that he and Enzo would go out for drinks and tell jokes and "Enzo offered up his friendship readily, in a way I had never experienced with a man before." When Bill made one too many comments about Enzo to Katherine, she shrewdly observed, "Another story about Enzo. You're so infatuated with him."
The couple's daughters, Sophie and Marisa, may have sensed something as well. Bill was trying on shirt after shirt for a boys night out with Enzo, when Marisa noted, "Aw, Dad's got a bromance going on".....an observation Bill hotly denied.
After becoming friends with Enzo Bill also became a gym rat, adding muscles and pounds to his previously slim frame - in hopes his pal would notice. To assist his bulking up Bill used illegal steroids, secretly injecting himself in the basement.
Katherine's discovery of Bill's hidden stash of drugs led to an ugly scene in which Katherine, Sophie, and Marisa ALL confronted him, horrified and disappointed.
All this may have led to Katherine's 'gay' question in the Walmart parking lot, and Bill's admission - after which the couple separated and divorced.
This was hard on Bill, who felt ashamed about the fraud he'd perpetrated on his family, especially Katherine - who was unmoored and deeply hurt.
*****
Bill knew he was gay from an early age, but growing up in conservative North Carolina - with a Catholic mother who disdained homosexuals - made him deny his essential self.
Bill's mother sensed his leanings, and would say things like, "Don't put your hands on your hips like that. It look effeminate; Those flip-flops make you look effeminate." Eventually, when Bill's mom feared her teenage son might come out as gay, she said: "It's disgusting is what it is. There is nothing natural about it. Let's pray." And Bill's mother repeated this sort of thing on a regular basis.
Bill as a young man
Bill was well and truly scared. He writes: "Fear of eternal damnation, the fear of ridicule, the fear of being labeled a faggot and being beaten to a bloody pulp as I had seen happen to classmates....had created a fear and internal homophobia so great that it eclipsed all others."
Seeing his brothers happy with their girlfriends, Bill saw redemption, a way forward. So, after a few aborted experiences with boys, Bill started seeing Katherine, and when Bill was 23 and Katherine was 22 they married.
The union wasn't always easy, however, in part because Katherine had issues of her own: she was an adoptee, and fretted about being given up by her birth mother; she couldn't bear Bill coming home a few minutes late, let alone going away for a business trip or training; she thought their house was haunted by spirits; she developed a mysterious illness - with pains in her joints and shortness of breath - that required a hospital stay; and more.
Was any of this related to a subconscious inkling of Bill's secret? Who knows. But Katherine's referring to a gay male nurse as a faggot may have been a hint.
When Bill and Katherine separated, Katherine moved to Virginia with Sophie and Marisa, and Bill remained in Massachusetts, where the family had been living. Bill's coming out was a step by step process. He came out to family and friends; made new gay friends; went for counseling; got professional therapy; attended support groups; began dating; etc.
Bill rented a basement apartment in this house from two lesbians, Linda and Debra, who became his very good friends.
Bill feared he'd never find love, and had some hiccups on the way to this hoped for goal. At length Bill met a dreamboat named Paul, and their courtship was touching and a bit fraught....like a teenage romance. 😊
Bill (right) and Paul
Meanwhile, Bill felt guilty about the suffering he'd inflicted on Katherine. He admits, "I took what was not mine. Katherine's love, trust, and hope were her most valuable assets, and I squandered them." This is perhaps the most unfair thing about a 'beard marriage', the damage it inflicts on the unknowing partner.
Though the marriage was over, Bill wanted to remain close to Sophie and Marisa. Thus he traveled south for holidays and flew down once or twice a month to spend time with the girls. He remembers, "I tried to cram hundreds of hours into a precious forty-eight-hour window."
Bill with his daughters, Marisa (left) and Sophie
Bill writes a great deal about his family: his philandering father who ran off with another woman; his affection for Katherine, and their troubled marriage; raising his daughters Marisa and Sophie through the years; the family's beloved dog Maggie; his three brothers - one of whom never came to terms with Bill's homosexuality; his mother's eventual acceptance of his sexual preference; and more.
In the end, Bill's mother told him: "I was wrong. Being gay is normal, a part of your genetic legacy. Bill, can you ever forgive me?" Bill takes this opportunity to discuss forgiveness, and how his entire family "was learning to walk the long, rocky road of forgiveness."
Though much has changed for gay people over the years, Bill acknowledges that he still sometimes lies, "to strangers, acquaintances, and people I've just met, because the world is a brutal place for queer people. There are times when safety trumps honesty."
This is an inspirational story with a happily ever after. Still, Bill pleads, "We are not the first generation of queer people who have found themselves trapped in a straight marriage, but please God, let us be the last." Fingers crossed.
Bill (left) and Paul
All people - both LGBTQ and straight - can learn something from Bill's story.
Thanks to Netgalley, the author (William Dameron), and the publisher (Little A) for a copy of the book.
Rating: 4 stars
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