Author Wednesday Martin
Living a sumptuous life among the millionaires and billionaires of Manhattan's Upper East Side may sound like a dream come true, but it's tougher than you might think. Wednesday Martin learned this when she moved to upper Manhattan with her husband and toddler son, thinking this was a great place to raise a family. Martin immersed herself in the world of 'Upper East Side mommies' for six years, and relates her experiences in this book.
Martin, who grew up in Michigan, is uniquely equipped to write about Upper East Side culture since she has a Ph.D. in comparative literature and cultural studies, and did doctoral work in early psychoanalysis and anthropology.
Martin's first hurdle was finding an apartment on the Upper East Side, a task that required her to engage a buyer's broker and don the appropriate 'uniform' - a demure sheath dress; Agnès B or French Sole flats; a ladylike handbag; and a sleek ponytail. Appropriate appearance is necessary to appease the seller and/or co-op board who must approve your residency. Martin and her husband eventually settled on a relatively modest condop (combination condominium/co-op) in an area with good public schools.
An appropriate outfit for apartment hunting on the Upper East Side
The Upper East Side women who belong to the "haves, have mores, and have mosts" are invariably dressed to the nines, whether they're going to an event, running to the corner market for milk, or dropping their kids off at school. Doing ANYTHING requires a perfect blow out, flawless make-up, designer clothes, and probably stilettos.
Upper East Side mommies going out and about
And - contrary to what you might think - the women who are the most carefully put together, and the most beautifully turned out, generally have the most children. Martin writes, "the first time I saw a perfectly coifed, perfectly dressed petite brunette with her two nannies hauling her brood of half a dozen into an upscale clothing boutique, it was so unlike anything I'd seen before that I could hardly process it. And it turned, out she wasn't a rarity in this new niche....not by a long shot. Massive families were everywhere."
The most chic Upper East Side mommies have lots of children
Once Martin got her son into one of the area's 'best' nursery schools - by getting influential friends and relatives to pull strings - she tried to make friends for herself and arrange playdates for her little boy. This was harder than it sounds because the other mothers were "mean girl moms."
Upscale Nursery School
Martin notes, "They all seemed to know one another somehow from before..... and they huddled up and looked right through me." Texts, emails, and phone calls to arrange play dates for her son were ignored, and when Martin tried to follow up in school hallways, the mothers put her off or changed the subject.
Martin had a hard time making friends with the 'mean moms'
It wasn't until Martin got acquainted with an "alpha dad" at a party - who suggested a play date with his child - that the ice was finally broken.
Once the playdate logjam was breached, Martin's son acquired playmates, and was even invited to romp on a private plane. Martin observes, "Childhood on the Upper East Side is unusual by just about anyone's standards. There are drivers and nannies and helicopter rides to The Hamptons. There are the 'right' music classes for 2-year-olds; tutors for 3-year-olds - to prep them for kindergarten entrance exams and interviews; and playdate consultants for 4-year-olds - who don't know how to play because they don't have time to play because they have so many enrichment classes: French, Mandarin, Little Learners and cooking classes, as well as golf, tennis, and voice lessons after pre-school."
Kids have music classes
Kids have cooking classes
Kids get tennis lessons
Kids get golf lessons
As for the mothers, "There are wardrobe consultants to help moms buy the right clothes for themselves for school drop off and pick up; there are teetering high heels and breathtaking J. Mendel and Tom Ford furs at playgrounds and at birthday parties that cost $5,000 and up in apartments so big and with ceilings so high that can and do have full size bouncy castles inside."
Mommies look elegant for school drop off and pick up
If childhood on the Upper East Side is unusual, motherhood is beyond bizarre. There is a constant quest for 'gets' that define life for the privileged and perfect mommies, like fabulous penthouse apartments; kids being admitted to schools with elite exmissions; and acquisition of expensive baubles, like the Hermes Birkin bag that Martin craved - to raise her status among the local glitterati. To obtain a fabulous - and phenomenally expensive - Birkin bag, a customer must put her/his name on a years-long waiting list, and Martin was lucky that her husband was able to find one during a business trip to Tokyo. (FYI: An internet article says Hermes Birkin bags range from $12,000 to more than $200,000.)
Hermes Birkin bag
Then there are the cults of Physique 57 and Soul Cycle, where women wearing Lululemon athletic apparel exercise obsessively to perfect themselves.
Physique 57
Soul Cycle
Lululemon is the preferred athletic wear
Moms also share insider trading tips, "like how to hire a black market Disney guide with a disability pass in order to circumvent all the lines." And there's also the help. Martin notes, "An Upper East Side mommy's identity also emerges from the fraught, complicated relationships between herself and the women she hires to help her raise her children and run her home(s)."
Originally, Martin's goal "was to assimilate while keeping a distance from the stress and competitiveness of Upper East Side mommy culture." She writes, "I figured my background in social research and anthropology would help me stay sane and grounded as I made a place for my children and myself in a world that sometimes felt inhospitable. But like anthropologists the world over I eventually found myself going native." In other words, Martin - who gave birth to another son while living in upper Manhattan - became a typical Upper East Side mommy....dressing, acting, and thinking like the women around her.
She writes: "I wanted a comfortable curated life. I wanted a killer body, and beautiful clothing, and shoes by Dolce and Gabbana and Prada.....and the kind of great hair color that required the expensive tending to it every other month. I wanted a house at the beach.....and unlike many of my Upper East Side girlfriends I also wanted to work, to write things I was proud of.
Wednesday Martin went native
But like them I wanted to be a good wife and like them I wanted most of all to be a good mother. Not a good enough mother but one who did everything I was supposed to do, everything I possibly could do for my children."
Wednesday Martin with her husband Joel Moser
Wednesday Martin with her husband and children
Martin's acculturation sped up after the natives accepted her and she was invited to a 'girls' night in' at the home of a woman named Rebecca. Wanting to fit in and not stand out Martin wore "a pair of bright pink snakeskin pattern skinny trousers of stretchy denim; a simple boxy white tee shirt with an embroidered red and black flower front and center; and a bright green Chanel knock-off jacket with fringe at the wrists and along the front placket." Martin knew "nothing about his outfit would seem over the top to the women at Rebecca's." For shoes Martin went to Barney's and got "Christian Louboutin open-toed platform slingback mules of black suede with red and pink stripes - like a piece of candy for the feet."
Martin remarks that beauty isn't cheap, and it's women that bear the costs. Just for fun, Martin and her friend Candace estimated an Upper East Side woman's yearly budget for personal upkeep. This would include:
• hair and scalp (cuts, colors, blowouts, stylists, consultants)
• face (botox; restylane; fillers; peals; facials; brows; laser treatments; skincare products; makeup)
• body (exercise classes; personal trainer; nutritionist; juice cleanses; mani-pedis; massages; spray tans; spa getaways; plastic surgery)
• wardrobe (fall/winter clothing; spring/summer clothing; resort and vacation clothing; shoes and boots; bags).
Martin and Candace estimated that all this would cost "$95,000 on the low end just to be beautiful enough to be in the game."
Oddly enough, Upper East Side women's attention to appearance is directed more at other women than men. Martin observes, "Women are generally cloistered from men. At dinner parties, men sometimes sit at separate tables in separate rooms. Women say it's more fun this way, and the men prefer it." These wealthy females (especially those who don't have jobs) are marooned in their sex segregated world on their boards; charity luncheons; and Hampton homes.
At dinner parties, men and women might sit at separate tables
All this has a severe downside. Martin observes, "World wide ethnographic data shows that the more sex segregated a society, the lower the status of women." Among other things, this gives men leeway to conduct extramarital affairs, often with no consequences. Martin writes, "[Upper East Side] women feel they can't leave and uproot their kids, and they are uniquely dependent. They need men for financial support: food and shelter for themselves and their children." (My view: The women could leave if they were willing to adjust their lifestyle.)
There are other drawbacks as well. Martin reports, "The flip side of this pressure to be a perfect mother and a perfectly fit, perfectly dressed, perfectly sexy woman stress many to breaking point. To remedy this, they turn to alcohol, prescription drugs, flyaway parties with girlfriends to Vegas, St. Barts and Paris on their private planes; compulsive exercise and self care; and raw organic cold-pressed juice fasts are big."
Stress and anxiety can lead to excessive drinking
Cold juice fast
Martin wraps up by describing a sad occurrence that elicited caring and empathy from (at least some) Upper East Side mommies.
Martin's research ended when her children were accepted at schools on the Upper West Side, and the family moved across town.
Footnote: Sadly, after carrying her Birkin everywhere all the time Martin had to retire it because of a persistent numbness in her arm....it was too heavy. 😥
For me this book provides a fascinating peek at a culture I knew little about....and still don't understand. In my opinion, these Upper East Side mommies - most of whom have good educations - could make a real contribution to society by being scientists; mathematician; writers; painters; computer engineers; astronauts; professors; FBI agents; lawyers; dentists; businesswomen; and so on....rather than just concentrating on being beautiful and fit.
In addition, I don't understand the point of scheming to get your daughters into the best schools if they're not going to make use of these wonderful educations. Different strokes for different folks I guess.
If you're interested in the lifestyles of the rich (and not so famous), this book is a good primer. Highly recommended.
Rating: 4 stars
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