Shonda Rhimes
Shonda Rhimes is an American television writer, showrunner, producer and director. She created the medical drama Grey's Anatomy, its spin-off, Private Practice, the political thriller Scandal, and the legal suspense drama How to Get Away with Murder.
Being a celebrity television writer Rhimes got many invitations to speak at conferences, attend glamorous parties, be a guest on talk shows, travel to other countries to meet royalty, and more. Rhimes bragged about the invites to her family, but never accepted them. That changed after Thanksgiving Day 2013 when her sister Delorse muttered, "You never say yes to anything."
Delorse's observation gave Rhimes pause for thought, and though she was shy and nervous and the events were "too scary", Shonda decided to embark on a year of saying yes.
Rhimes' preference for solitude - and penchant for making up stories - began in childhood. She writes, "As a kid I liked to play with the cans in pantry for hours on end. My three year old imagination made a world of it's own." Influenced by the Watergate hearings her mother watched, little Shonda made up tales in which "the big cans of yams ruled over the peas and green beans white the tiny citizens of tomato paste land planned to overthrow the government. There were hearings and failed assassination attempts and resignations."
Little Shonda Rhimes
Three-year-old Shonda was happier in the pantry than she was with people, and that was still true of forty-three year old Shonda. But adult Rhimes wasn't satisfied with her life. Though she had several successful television shows and three wonderful daughters, Rhimes needed something more.
Rhimes' "saying yes" began when President Philip Hanlon of Dartmouth College - her alma mater - asked her to give the 2014 commencement speech. Shonda agreed, safe in the knowledge the event was
5 1/2 months away. Lightning struck sooner, though, when Rhimes was invited to be interviewed on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Shonda was terrified, "afraid she'd trip over her own feet, crack her head on the corner of Jimmy's desk, fall down and reveal her double Spanx to a national audience, have tsunamis of sweat rolling down her face, and finally faint on the floor in front of Jimmy's desk." In the end Rhimes agreed to do the interview if it was taped instead of live, and - because Jimmy Kimmel was such a solicitous and talented interviewer - things went very well.
Shonda Rhimes with Jimmy Kimmel (right) and actor Scott Foley (center)
Having gained confidence, Rhimes didn't experience the flop sweats she feared at Dartmouth, and it turns out she's an excellent speaker.
Shonda Rhimes giving commencement address at Dartmouth College
Rhimes opened her Dartmouth commencement talk by admitting she doesn't like to give speeches because she's afraid she'll pass out, or die, or poop her pants, or vomit. Then Shonda went on to explain how sad she was to graduate college.....to leave the wonderful environment of academia for the real world (she lay on her dorm room floor in despair while her mother packed her things).
Rhimes told the graduating seniors to be 'doers not dreamers' and acknowledged that, as a successful working mother she can't do it all. Shonda said, "Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I'm failing in another area of my life. If I am killing it on a Scandal script for work, I am probably missing bath and story time at home. If I'm at home sewing my kids' Halloween costumes, I'm probably blowing off a rewrite I was supposed to turn in."
Shonda Rhimes with her daughter
Rhimes emphasizes there are trade-offs to being a working mom, but she always makes time for her children. She also acknowledges that 'to do it all', a working woman needs help at home, and lavishly praises her wonderful nanny Jenny McCarthy (not the anti-vaccine TV personality).
In her typical honest fashion, Rhimes also talks about her weight. Early in her 'year of saying yes' Shonda caught an unexpected glimpse of herself in a mirror and wondered "Who is that?" She recalls, "It actually takes a few seconds for my brain to catch up, for me to realize with shock that I am looking at my own reflection. I am staring at myself encased in many many extra pounds of fat, so many I'm afraid to get on a scale. I am massive. But more important I FEEL massive. I don't feel good. My knees hurt, my joints hurt, I'm exhausted all the time, I'm on high blood pressure medication, I can't get comfortable, I can't touch my toes, I am a mess. I need to eat a piece of cake to cope with this discovery." 😊
Rhimes' weight gain was related (in part) to the pressures in her life, to being what she calls "an FOD"- first only different. By this she means 'being successful while being a black woman', which is "an extra responsibility whether you want it or not."
Rhimes emphasizes that, when she made her first television show, Grey's Anatomy, she wanted it to look like the real world looks. Rhimes writes, "I filled it with people of all hues, genders, backgrounds and sexual orientations. And then I wrote all of them as if they were people with three dimensional lives." In fact all Rhimes' shows reflect this drive for inclusiveness.
In the beginning, though, this much diversity was trailblazing and brave, and Shonda had to work all the time. Rhimes writes "I stayed home more, I spent more time working, more time alone, more time hiding." And along the way she gradually doubled in size, almost without noticing. Rhimes says, "Being fat has worked for me. Being fat made me happy. Food works, there's the trouble."
Shonda Rhimes worked all the time
Rhimes decided her weight was another thing that had to change, and though slimming "was hard and not fun", she made up her mind to do it. Shonda dieted, learned to love salads, got a trainer, and eventually lost well over 100 pounds.
Shonda Rhimes lost over 100 pounds
Speaking about being awarded the Sherry Lansing Award at The Hollywood Reporter's Women in Entertainment Breakfast, Rhimes notes she was chosen "in recognition of breaking through the industry's glass ceiling as a woman and an African-American." In her acceptance speech, however, Shonda gave credit to all the women who had weakened the ceiling. She said, "How many women had to hit that glass to ripple it, to send out a thousand little fractures? How many women had to hit the glass before the pressure of their efforts caused it to evolve from a thick pane of glass to a thin sheet of splintered ice, so that when it was my turn to run, it didn't even look like glass anymore?" Rhimes goes on to say, "I didn't have to fight that hard. My sisters who came before me had already handled it."
Shonda Rhimes receiving the Sherry Lansing Award
Like many successful people, Rhimes was bombarded with requests for favors, and had to learn to say no. She writes, "It's much worse if you're successful in show business. All kinds of people decide that you are rich. And not just rich. They decide you are a bank. People came out of the woodwork, They wanted jobs, places to stay, money, scripts to be read, a part in the show, audition opportunities, tuition, films to be financed, introduction to celebrities, investments in their companies, you name it and I have been asked for it."
At first Rhimes couldn't say no, and her parents and sisters stepped in to act as human shields "forcing back the herds of weirdos and audacious money-seekers." But the family couldn't force back the people she thought were friends, people she was close to and dated, what she calls "the foxes in my hen house." After a while, Rhimes forced herself to say no to these people, and they didn't take it well. (It shows you who your real friends are.)
By the end of her 'year of saying yes', Rhimes had grown more courageous, shed some shyness, and learned to just open her mouth and talk. So the yeses continued.
Rhimes covers additional topics in the book, including adopting her children; going to their school and recreational events; her beautiful tween;
Shonda Rhimes and her daughter Harper
not getting married; meeting Oprah Winfrey and President Obama;
Shonda Rhimes and Oprah Winfrey
learning to take a compliment; falling out with some (former) close friends; her fabulous sisters and parents; and more.
Shonda Rhimes and some of her family members
Shonda also talks a little about her TV shows, but they're not the focus of the book. So if you're interested in scuttlebutt about Shondaland productions, you'll have to look elsewhere.
Shonda Rhimes with stars of her shows, Ellen Pompeo (left), Viola Davis (center), and Kerry Washington (right)
The book contains some interesting stories, and is worth reading. On the downside, Rhimes tends to be repetitive, and some parts of the narrative are overlong, rambling, and a bit boring.
Rating: 3 stars
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