Shawn Hitchins
Shawn Hitchins is a Toronto-based comedian, author, and actor. Shawn grew up gay in a tiny rural enclave during the 1980s and 90s -between the time of the AIDS epidemic and the expansion of gay rights. Thus Shawn's life has had ups and downs. In this book Shawn shares some stories about himself - ranging from the painful to the hilarious.
To provide a feel for the book, I'll give some examples of Shawn's anecdotes.
*****
Shawn has Fitzpatrick type 1 skin, which means he's pale, has red hair, blue eyes, and freckles. In addition, Shawn always burns, never tans, and is prone to melanoma. Shawn gets himself checked by a dermatologist every six months for cancerous lesions, and is super careful about the sun.
For instance, Shawn writes, "Whenever a friend invites me to an awesome summer barbecue, I immediately ask, 'Will there be shade?' Then I demand the architectural blueprints of their home and a 360 panoramic shot of the backyard as POS (proof of shade). Finally I soak myself in a vat of toxic sunscreen and allow it to seep into my lymph nodes."
Only then will Shawn enter a summer barbecue...dressed like a slutty gay scarecrow.
*****
Shawn grew up in the small agricultural town of Egypt, Ontario, where he was an outlier.
Shawn observes, "[Like] the childhoods of many young gay men from small towns who came into their sexualities in the shadow of the AIDS crisis and before the advent of Ellen and Will and Grace, I became an outsider, no longer part of some greater whole."
Things got especially hard when Shawn left to pursue a career in show business. He notes, "Having lost the intense sense of belonging, the blind sense of comfort I was raised with, I’ve since desperately tried to regain it."
*****
In 1994, eighth grader Shawn dropped out of the Lion's Club Music Competition - which he almost always won - much to the chagrin of his teacher. Shawn was focused on his 'figure skating career', longing to win a solo in the town's Figure Skating Carnival. Thrilled by Olympic skating champions, Shawn wanted to be the type of male who expressed his strengths wearing sequins, pirate shirts, and form-fitting vests.
Canadian figure skating champion Brian Orser
Shawn's classmate Doug was stiff competition and the rivalry is a fun story.
Will Ferrell and Jon Heder in 'Blades of Glory'
*****
Shawn's sister's graduation frock was a black and white, polka dot tea length dress with a sweetheart neckline and an incredible crinoline.
Thirteen-year-old Shawn was captivated by the dress and, unable to resist, put it on one day - along with high heels from his mother's closet and make-up.
Unfortunately Shawn was caught by his dad Ian, who was HORRIFIED. The next day, a very drunk Ian outed Shawn to a family friend, saying over and over, "My son's a fag, my son's a fag, my son's a fag".....while Shawn held in his tears.
This was a turning point in the relationship between Shawn and his dad.
*****
Shawn checks his success by seeing how fast people respond to his texts, emails, or phone calls. He writes, "I know that if I email one particular person, let's call her Mrs. X, for a simple catch-up and I have a really large project in the works, I immediately get an invite for dinner. BUT if I just did a public face-plant and email Mrs. X asking for coffee, then six months later I get an invite to her son's $45 clarinet recital. These success verifiers are an instant and accurate gauge."
*****
Shawn was a part of a seasonal drag act called the B-Girlz, a trio that performed at the infamous Post Office Cabaret in Provincetown, Massachusetts.
Post Office Café and Cabaret
The group - three zany characters loosely modeled after The Golden Girls archetypes - did medleys of pop music, sketch and improv.
Shawn learned how to be a drag performer while he lived in a moldy, dilapidated room in Provincetown. The comic constantly feared that the brown-stained clawfoot tub could come through the ceiling above his head and kill him in his sleep, but the room was free, so he didn't care.
*****
In 2013, Shawn hosted a ginger pride walk at Edinburgh Festival Fringe, to protest gingerism (prejudice against redheads).
Scotland's Edinburgh Festival Fringe is the world's largest art festival, with tens of thousands of performers, including 'jugglers, actors, singers, comedians, stilt walkers, buskers, university glee clubs, and Australians.'
Edinburgh Festival Fringe
Shawn writes, "Edinburgh can make your career, and the laureates associated with being a Fringe hit are what drive relatively unknown talents to empty their coffers to wrap their faces on city bus ads with nonsense star ratings and poll quotes from university student bloggers."
Advertising poster for Edinburgh Festival Fringe
Shawn's first appearance at the Fringe in 2011 was a flop, and he was determined to rectify the situation. Ergo the ginger parade, which started as a joke, and unexpectedly landed!
*****
Shawn's lesbian friends Rita and Theresa asked him to be the sperm donor for their baby, and Shawn vividly describes the process of making the baby.....and the aftermath. This includes collecting semen (multiple times), navigating problems, signing papers, sharing the news, and embracing the idea that a gay man could have a child.
*****
Shawn chooses actors to play the characters in a movie about his life. Some of these are:
Shawn Hitchens - Tilda Swinton
Shawn's father - Tom Selleck
Shawn's mother - Shelley Long
Theresa (the woman inseminated with Shawn's sperm) - Jennifer Garner
Shawn's boyfriend - Ryan Gosling
****
Shawn has many more stories in the book, and the comedian writes about his mother's thriftiness (she didn't like to spend money); his mother's struggle with MS (Shawn took her to Albany for an operation); Shawn's adult advice to his adolescent self; Shawn's adoration of Liza Minelli - a patron saint of lost homosexuals; Shawn hosting a 'Grease' movie event that went badly wrong; the difficulty of getting roles if you're an effeminate male with pink skin, orange hair, slight jaw, and high pitched voice; Shawn being an assistant to writer/director George Bloomfield - who treated him almost like a son; Shawn's hatred of sharing (no halvsies on dessert); Shawn's dismay at repeatedly being mistaken for a female (this is hilarious); Shawn's sneaky shenanigans with the cat Stevie, who Shawn shared with his boyfriend; Shawn and his partner having a conscious uncoupling like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin; and more.
To end the book, Shawn writes, "To the friends, acquaintances, drag queens, relatives, and nemeses, or any combination of those five whose narratives have entangled with mine, thank you. "
I listened to the audiobook, narrated by the author, and highly recommended it to readers who enjoy celebrity memoirs.
Thanks to Netgalley, Shawn Hitchins, and ECW Press for a copy of the book.
Rating: 3.5 stars
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