Review of "I Suck at Girls: A Humorous Memoir" by Justin Halpern

 

Author Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern's book 'Sh*t My Dad Says' is very funny, so when this memoir was recommended on Goodreads I decided to listen to the audio version. Halpern's anecdotes about incidents in his life, ranging from childhood through early adulthood, are very entertaining. Justin's dad again contributes some priceless bon mots, but most of the yarns focus on the author himself.

I'll give some examples of stories in the book.

Nine-year-old Justin, hearing about sex from a friend, gets worried about his wedding night. Eager to consult his mom about this troubling issue, Justin picks the lock on his parents' closed bedroom door..... and what do you think he sees? Good opportunity for Justin's dad to teach him the word ironic.

Young Justin and his Little League teammate find a stash of porn near the ball field and plan to steal it. Their codeword, in case the coach is spotted, is 'my dog peed in the house.' Of course the coach comes right over and Justin - wanting to warn his porn-hiding friend - hysterically yells 'my dog peed in the house.....my dog peed in house.' The coach must have thought Justin was nuts.



After high school Justin goes on a jaunt to Europe with his friend Ryan, hoping to meet girls and have sex. In a Florence hostel, Justin and Ryan pal up with a young Asian man, Vietnam Joe. Joe's English vocabulary is very limited. Food is either 'large delicious', 'delicious', or 'not delicious'; temperatures are either 'large hot' or 'not hot.' Joe's one complete sentence is 'Second-year guard Ray Allen has a silky smooth NBA ready game'.....cribbed from a basketball card. Still, Joe is the first of the group to meet a girl and go off with her. (Maybe she was a basketball fan. LOL 😊)



Eventually, Justin and Ryan arrive at the 'party island' of Ibiza. The boys ask a party promoter about the hottest party in Ibiza.....and are told they can't handle it. The boys are also warned off the second hottest party on the island. Frustrated, Ryan finally says 'Just tell us about a party that's appropriately hot for us!' This made me laugh.



Overdoing the partying in Ibiza, Justin gets a terrible stomach ache and has to go to an emergency room in Spain. The doctor, not fluent in English, points to two dark spots on Justin's x-ray and says "Your stomach is very mad. It do not work." The doctor then says a few words to the nurse who adds "Too much poo poo and fart." Ryan thinks this is the most awesome diagnosis he ever heard.....and I have to agree. (Justin got meds for the constipation and gas, and all was well.)



In other anecdotes Justin talks about working at Hooters Restaurant, losing his virginity, dating a hot girl that's out of his league, and - by the end of the book - proposing to his girlfriend.



The book is all good fun, recommended to readers who like humorous memoirs.

Rating: 3.5 stars

Review of "The Burning Girls: A Novel of Horror and Suspense" by C.J. Tudor

 

Vicar Jacqueline (Jack) Brooks has to leave her Nottingham church after a tragedy occurs in her congregation.



Jack is temporarily assigned to the Sussex village of Chapel Croft, whose pastor recently died. When Jack and her 15-year-old daughter Flo arrive in Chapel Croft they're dismayed by the small nondescript chapel and their cottage next door, which is dilapidated and uninviting.



Moreover, Chapel Croft has a sinister vibe, in part because of its dreadful history. Five hundred years ago, eight villagers - including two young girls - were burned at the stake during Queen Mary's purge of Protestants. Now the incident is commemorated every year by the burning of twig dolls on the anniversary of the purge.



The town also experienced a more recent misfortune. Thirty years ago, two teenage girls, named Merry and Joy, vanished without a trace. The general consensus was that the girls ran away, but the disappearances cast a lasting pall over the area.

To add to the dark atmosphere, the villagers say the ghosts of the burned Protestant girls haunt the chapel, and if you see them, something bad will happen to you.



Jack and Flo's arrival gets off to a sinister start when the vicar is presented with an anonymous gift that turns out to be an exorcism kit.



Soon afterwards, ghostly figures appear to mother and daughter, which teenage Flo - who's a hobby photographer - tries to capture on film....without success.



Jack wants to dismiss the phenomena as tricks of the light, but Flo doesn't buy it. As it turns out the paranormal warning may be legitimate, because Flo becomes the target of vicious teenage bullies and Jack is persecuted with sinister messages and a gossip campaign.



As they settle in, mother and daughter socialize with some of the locals: Flo with an outcast teenage boy named Lucas Wrigley, and Jack with a gossipy octogenarian called Joan and a reporter called Mike. Both Jack and Flo hear that disturbing things happen in Chapel Croft, and they soon come to see that this is true.

As all this is going on, a murderous ex-convict is released from prison, and starts to hunt for Jack. As the man makes his away across England, he leaves a string of calamities in his wake.



Jack and Flo are likable main characters. Jack is a modern vicar who sneaks ciggies, drinks an occasional glass of wine, enjoys modern films and popular music, and participates in the pub quiz;



and Flo is a mature teenager who knows self-defense, can set up a photography darkroom; and doesn't complain TOO much about leaving her friends in Nottingham.



One thing I didn't like is that both Jack and Flo blithely walk into dangerous situations RIGHT AFTER they tell themselves that naïve girls in horror movies do this very thing. If it was me, and I was all alone - and creepy things were happening - I wouldn't traipse into a musty basement after hearing rustling noises.....



or search a dark chapel after I see flickering lights.



I also feel the story is over-complicated, with too much going on.

That said, I enjoyed the novel. Tudor is a master of surprises, and there are plenty of twists in this suspenseful horror/mystery.

Thanks to Netgalley, C.J. Tudor, and Ballantine Books for a copy of the book

Rating: 3.5 stars

Review of "Exit: A Novel of Suspense" by Belinda Bauer

Felix Pink is a 75-year-old widower who lost his beloved wife Margaret to a lingering illness.



Now Felix lives in Devon with his dog Mabel, who shoots withering looks and piddles in the house if Felix is delayed at walk time.



This sometimes happens because Felix is an 'Exiteer', a volunteer who supports terminally ill persons committing suicide with nitrous oxide - a process that can't be hurried.



To remain on the right side of the law, an Exiteer must do NOTHING to assist a patient's demise. The sick individuals must assemble the materials and administer the gas themselves, while the Exiteers - who work in pairs - merely sit by the bedside.

After Felix's long-time partner quits the Exiteers, Felix is paired with a twentysomething newbie called Amanda, who's very anxious about her first support job.



Felix and Amanda are sent to the home of Charles Cann, an old man riddled with cancer. The patient fumbles the gas cylinder and Amanda instinctively retrieves it - thus committing a crime. Things get even worse when Felix and Amanda realize they killed the wrong man. Wanting to protect Amanda, Felix sends her away, determined to take the blame himself.



Felix hears police sirens approaching the Cann house - and is waiting to explain the situation - when he remembers Mabel, who needs to be walked and fed. Felix makes a clever getaway, and thinking the whole incident over later on, fears he and Amanda were set up. Felix decides to play detective, and makes some unexpected friends along the way.



Meanwhile, the police also mount an investigation into the Cann homicide. DCI Kirsty King leads the case, and she recruits PC Calvin Bridge to assist her. Bridge was a plainclothes detective for a brief time, but felt overwhelmed, and went back to being a uniformed cop. Still Bridge is glad to be in the big leagues again, if only temporarily.



When he's not working, Bridge hangs out at the local betting shop, where he likes a flutter on the horses.....and Bridge's interaction with his fellow gamblers is a hoot.

Many things are not as they seem in this novel, which is very funny, with quirky characters and unexpected situations. This is an ingenious mystery, highly recommended to fans of the genre.

Thanks to Netgalley, Belinda Bauer, and Atlantic Monthly Press for a copy of the book.

Rating: 4 stars

Review of "The Perfect Marriage: A Domestic Thriller" by Jeneva Rose

This review was first posted on Mystery and Suspense. Check it out for features, interviews, and reviews. https://www.mysteryandsuspense.com/th...

Sarah and Adam Morgan are very much in love, but their decade-long marriage is experiencing a bit of strife.



Sarah is doing well as a top defense attorney in Washington DC, but Adam - who was once a best-selling author - hasn't finished a novel in years. To spur his career, Adam convinced Sarah to buy a vacation home in Virginia, where he could write in a quiet atmosphere. Adam goes to Virginia for three or four days at a time.....



.....while Sarah usually remains in Washington to work.



Sarah and Adam's tenth anniversary is in a couple of days, and the couple plan to celebrate the occasion in their Virginia residence. Adam goes on ahead, but Sarah is held up by a trial and can't make it. So Adam spends a lusty night in the Virginia abode with beautiful Kelly Summers, a married woman he's been seeing for 18 months. Adam returns to Washington the next morning, while Kelly is still asleep in his bed.



A few hours after Adam returns home, while Sarah is at work, Virginia sheriffs come knocking on the door.



They say the housekeeper found Kelly Summers stabbed to death in the Morgans' Virginia house. Adam is a prime suspect, and he's promptly hauled off to Virginia, where he's questioned and arrested for murder.



When Sarah learns of Adam's predicament - and his long-term affair - she's hurt, shocked and angry.



Nevertheless, Sarah believes she's the only lawyer good enough to get Adam acquitted, so she takes on his defense. Adam insists on a speedy trial, and the proceedings are set to begin in two weeks, with the death penalty attached. (At this point I have to say the quickie police investigation and accelerated judicial proceedings stretch credulity to the breaking point, but I'm willing to grant author's license.)

As part of her trial preparation Sarah searches for other suspects, to raise reasonable doubt with the jury.



Moreover, Adam - who's granted bail and confined to his Virginia home with an ankle bracelet - launches an investigation of his own.



The book alternates back and forth between Sarah and Adam's point of view, so we see what each of them thinks and does.

As the story unfolds, Kelly's dubious past is revealed, and the secrets of other characters are exposed as well. The tension builds as one possible killer after another comes to light, and my suspicions leapt from person to person.

The book has a rich array of secondary characters, including the Virginia sheriff who investigates Kelly's murder, and seems unsure of Adam's guilt;



Kelly's cop husband, who's jealous and has a terrible temper;



Adam's over-protective mother, who blames Sarah for her son's troubles;



Sarah's sarcastic friend Matthew, who insults people with clever quips;



Sarah's law partner Bob, who's envious of Sarah's success;



the district attorney, who's good at his job;



an aggressive reporter, who wants to interview Adam;



Adam's greedy agent, who asks his client to write a tell-all; and more.



If you like suspenseful thrillers filled with surprises, this is the book for you.

Rating: 3.5 stars

Review of "Oliver: The True Story of a Stolen Dog and the Humans He Brought Together" by Steven J. Carino and Alex Tresniowski

 

This is a heartwarming true story about a man and his dog.

 
Steven Carino and Oliver

Steven Carino, who drove people around for a living, was heartbroken when his Shi Tzu-Yorkie mix, named Oliver, was stolen from his van on Valentine's Day 2019. Steven had no spouse or children, and little Oliver was his best friend and cherished companion.


Oliver

Dark thoughts assailed Steven as he considered the dog-napper. Was it someone who took Oliver on a whim? Someone who wanted a dog of their own? Someone who would harm the little pooch? Steven feared he might never see Oliver again, and could hardly bear to think of it.


Steven playing with Oliver

Steven called his older sister Laura, who could always 'set a target, zero in on it, and blast through all obstacles to reach it.' Sure enough Laura knew just what to do. Laura made missing dog flyers - offering a $2500 reward - to post around the Mount Vernon, New York neighborhood where Oliver was taken; arranged for a TV reporter to interview Steven; and posted the story to Facebook. Pretty soon thousands of people knew about Oliver, and many left messages expressing sympathy and encouragement.


Steven frolicking with Oliver

The search for Oliver went on for day after day, and came to involve a cadre of caring people. Steven's sisters joined him in Mount Vernon, to help look for the dog; Steven's uncle contributed $2500 to double the reward; children searched the streets calling Oliver's name; police, shopkeepers, and residents offered support; people called in tips; and so on.


Oliver resting

Steven had trouble maintaining hope, and grew despondent many times, but his faith helped sustain him - and Steven talks about this a lot in the book. At times, Steven even imagined little Oliver's reaction to being taken, and thought Oliver would be bewildered, but would behave himself, waiting for 'Stee' to come get him.


Oliver was waiting for 'Stee'

The story of the search for Oliver is interspersed with flashbacks to Steven's past, which was difficult. Steven's beloved mother died of cancer when he was thirteen, leaving Steven with a father who drank, got into rages, and constantly criticized his son. As a result Steven grew up feeling worthless and insecure, and he failed in many business and personal relationships.

With shaky human interactions, Steven's best friends were always his dogs, all of whom he fiercely loved. Thus Oliver's disappearance was especially devastating. Still, the dognapping had a silver lining because Steven realized how much his friends and relatives loved him, and how kind the public could be.




Steven and Oliver love each other

I don't want to spoil the suspense, but books like this always have a happy ending, so the story is safe to read. There's a children's version as well, appropriately edited for content.



This is a touching story about Steven and his adorable dog Oliver. Recommended to animal lovers everywhere.

Thanks to Netgalley, Steven Carino, and Thomas Nelson Publishers for a copy of the book.

Rating: 3 stars